I'm having a real rough time these days. I am, on the one hand, a totally giving and loving partner, and I enjoy doing above and beyond what's expected for my one and only. On the other hand I am presently feeling taken for granted, under appreciated, and not as loved as I want to be. I'm torn lately on what to do about this…
If I'm naturally affectionate and free and I love unconditionally, then those are good things right? But when your partner is not naturally free and affectionate and doesn't show his love for you often or a lot, then what do you do? Does that mean you're not a good match? I have always subscribed to the idea that you can't change people. They are who they are and they don't want to change and when you try to force them things go sour. I've fallen for this person who has also fallen for me, and the closer we get and the more we learn about each other, the more apparent it is that we love differently. And I find myself feeling neglected and sad and think that I may have a lifetime of this and don't know if I can handle it.
Thoughts that cross my mind these days:
- I should just get busy and take time for myself & away from him, stop doing so many nice things even if it is normal for me.
- If I pull away maybe he will realize how special I am, and worry that he may lose me, and in return put more effort into meeting my needs.
- I can handle this. He loves me and he shows it by wanting to be with me (even if he doesn't say it), and by caring for my little girl so much and including her in everything he plans, and by taking us to Disneyland, Legoland, the family fun center, and all of his family functions.
- If I love myself enough and feel like I'm worth his love and I'm confident in what we have together, then I shouldn't feel neglected or un-loved.
- If I do feel neglected and unloved, is that because I have some deep rooted issues and low self esteem (in which case I need help), or is it because he is lacking the feelings for me (in which case I should end it)?
Today I feel bad because I did so much for him for his birthday (see yesterday's list) and he was thankful and appreciative but not really thrilled like I had wished. And the co-worker friend of ours (that I had the nightmare about in previous post) went to a special comic convention yesterday and found this really rare and valuable collector's item that A really wanted. She brought it into work today and he's beyond thrilled. Instead of me being excited for him, I feel bad. I feel like the things I got or have planned for him are not as great to him as this item.
Now, before she went to the convention, we talked about the things he wanted that she was going to look for and decided that if she finds any of the things on his list, that she'll get it for me to give to him. Then last minute he told her to scrap all the things on his list and just try to get one of these collectable items for him. So she did, she won a raffle for one of the 50 they were raffling off & paid for it, and got it for him from her. I don't think it would have mattered, even if she would have gotten it for him and then I paid her back and put my name on it. He still would have known that she went to the convention and did all the leg work, so me putting my name on it would have been kinda silly. But I guess it might have made me feel better, that I wasn't out presented.
What can you do?
All of this is a conundrum that I don’t have the will to figure out today. The thing is that I have been with other men who were so good at expressing themselves. They adored me, lusted after me, couldn't keep their hands off of me because they were so obsessed and into me. Even with all that, they were the ones who came in w/a flash and left w/my heart in their hands. They were good at sharing their thoughts and feelings for me, but they were quick to lose them as well and immediately redirected them to some other girl making me see that their so called "feelings" were not really true. So my one and only is the opposite... He's slow to react, slow to give unconditionally, cautious in revealing his desires, but stable and loyal in his commitment to me.
Am I just stuck in a rut of thinking that the former way is the right way even if it was fleeting? And that I should be thinking that his way is the lasting way, the way it is when it's gonna stick, the true way? If that's the case, I wonder how I'm to re-learn what being loved really is…. Hmmmmm.