Honestly

I'm feeling the need to confess some things here, honestly, some may be petty or trivial while others seem huge & I just need to unload them:

• Work this past 2 days has been boring as hell and I've had to entertain myself by reading anything and everything on the Internet that's not blocked by the Internet Nazi. I get paid to read all your blogs, at least when it's slow. It's fun for an hour or two but eight hours of blog reading is a tad much (even if you're all so very enlightened, funny, and lovely writers).

• My little one needs to earn back another toy. Well she did, but we were so busy rushing to get dinner eaten, reading done, and butt in bed by 9:30 which ended up being 10 that we never made it to the garage for her to pick a toy out. Now she's at her dad's till Sunday. Note to self: must make time to fit in the reward or this will never work!

• A has been very sweet over the past few days and I got all pissy with him last night because of our lack of sex life over the past couple of weeks. I shouldn't have made him feel bad especially after he has been so great with my little one and so giving to me lately. And honestly I was feeling all warm and fuzzy until we went to bed last night & there was no action. Also it dawned on me how long it had been. Way past my due date! I'm like the guy here always wanting and always going to bed frustrated. Turns out after I tiptoed out to cry in the living room and A had to follow me to find out what my problem was, that he has been very unhappy w/work to the point that he feels like a failure at 33 for not reaching his goal. I guess sex is not at the top of his to do list right now. I'm not sure how to apologize. And as much as sex is important to me, I realize that sometimes there are "dry spells" for important reasons. Making him feel like crap for not participating in the extra curricular activities was just not good on my part. Long term relationships have ups and downs. I must accept that instead of taking it personally.

• And while we're on the subject of personal stuff here, it dawned on me the other night that A is taking the brunt of my absolute lack of self esteem. Not that I didn't know I had esteem problems it's just that the connection between what I blame him for and the real reasons behind my inferiority complex is finally very clear. It's not his fault that I grew up with little love and affection and that the only praise I got was if I was thin and my hair was just right. Now that I'm fat and my hair is a freakin mess, I have no good things to praise. And A is not verbal anyhow. He's told me I was pretty once in the 2 years we've been together. But I am fully aware I should feel good about myself w/out the praise of others on looks or accomplishments or anything. It's not his job to heal my childhood wounds or make me feel good about myself. Now that I have that straight, I'm not sure how to get myself to feel good about me. I guess I started to only value myself as a thin, well dressed, nice hair-do individual and now that I don't have any of those assets to give me even the slightest bit of confidence, I'm not sure how to get there.

• My guy BFF gave me some self help CDs to listen to in my car, and a hypnotizing CD to go to sleep to at night to help with motivation (ie. move my ass & exercise in my attempt to get thin again to feel good about myself at least in some way).

• I'm in the thick of self discovery, healing, and hopefully growth somewhere down the line. How did life get so complicated? When I was young I didn't have all these worries. I played all day and didn't care what anyone thought about me. I felt good just for being me. I knew I was special. Now I feel far from special. I feel frumpy and boring.

I am done w/my confessions for now. I may have more tomorrow. It actually feels kinda good to admit the truth or the bad things I think & feel. Maybe it will help bring me out of the funk I've been in for far too long now.



Tell me your confessions, go ahead, let your load off!