Dreams & Angst

So the monster reared it's ugly head again, this morning about 6:30 am. The doubting, skeptical, paranoia appeared in the form of a dream - a terrible, awful, scary dream. And the worst part in the dream is that I knew, my very observant and highly aware intuition told me that he was about to cheat if he hadn't already (in my dream of course). And when I saw him at work in said dream and mentioned something casually to him about my suspicians, the most telling look of guilt came over his face. He mumbled something defensive and left. He WALKED AWAY after pretty much confirming my worst fears! And then I was at a loss, didn't know if I should fall into a puddle of my own tears completley devastated and defeated, or run after him yelling obscenities, or go and confront her. Panic, abandonment, anger, fear, raced through me at different intervals in lightening speed, completely confusing me.

I ran out to the parking lot to leave, just get out as fast as possible (regardless of the fact that I was at work and was running away in the middle of the day w/no explanation, all obligations to work thrown to the wind) and she was in the parking lot in her car. I tried to just go, walk past her to my car and leave, no scenes needed today, just get to the car. Straight. To. Car. Do. Not. Pass. Go. But she got out of her car, came up to me, and began chit chatting at this pivotal point in my exit plan. I was trying to save face! It finally dawned on her that I was upset, so I burst out "Tell me what exactly happened!" She had the same guilty expression that he had and she immediately went into how nothing had happened and they were just working so much but she could see how I would think something happened.

Just as I was beginning to believe her and realize that I had overreacted she confessed to going out to drinks one night with him while they were supposedly working. It all flashed before me. It was true; he had fallen for her and although they had not acted on their feelings and been together physically yet, it was on the brink of coming to fruition. My intuition was right. It got me again. It always knows.

So I totally freaked on her. I yelled at her and shoved her with all my might (total scene in the parking lot like I was hoping to avoid). She fell hard, as did I, flat on my face. My keys went flying out of my hand and onto the pavement in front of me. I looked at them and reached for them, but they were... just.. out..... of reach....

dream interpreters say "keys" symbolize the following:

"to be out of control or lack the means of access. It may symbolize that you feel unable to acquire what is needed to complete a task or obtain access to persons or knowledge."

http://health.ivillage.com/sleep/0,,8fb96nnw,00.html?ice=iv,mp,st,pl4

sounds about right to me...

So I lay there on the pavement and I paused, everything paused all around me, and I tought "what am I doing? Is my life as I've known it ruined forever? Gone? All the future plans with this person erased? Is there something I should have done to make this not happen? Can I take back knowing and just go back to the way things were an hour before?" And then I looked at this microscopic ant on the asphalt under my nose, and.... I woke up.

Now - this is what sucked. I woke up angry and hurt and upset and cheated on, even though it was just a dream. I still felt so wronged. And I couldn't believe my one and only could do that to me and one of my closest friends could betray me that way. How dare they?! But wait, it was a dream. He didn't really do anything and she didn't do anythng with him, and crap! That was the WORST!

So I cuddled up next to him in bed and wanted to melt into him. He woke up for a second and asked if I was okay. I told him I'd had a really awful dream and that he was super BAD in it and it seemed so real. He rubbed my back for a few minutes and then fell back to sleep. Later he told me that he hadn't "done anything wrong in real life, it's okay, just a dream, and I've been good so don't worry so much." I said, "I know" and left for work.

After some thought... (and I knowI'm obsessing here) what I think created some of this (besides the Ex. I mentioned yesterday) is that when I walked in to talk to the 2 of them yesterday, he didn't listen. I had found a problem and I was trying to bring it to their attention. I even tried again later to tell him that I'd caught a potential problem and what I thought may have caused it. But he still kinda blew it off.

The funny thing is when I got there this morning there was an email from A stating the exact same problem I was trying to get him to see yesterday. He explains it all as if he'd figured it out "Ah-ha! This is what happened!" The good thing is that she responded saying "Yes, that is exactly what LoLo was trying to tell you yesterday over and over again. Smart girl that she is. So you should have listened." (actually I don't think she said that last part about listening but it was implied for sure.) See - she's got my back.

And the dream, I conclude, after thinking it over all morning instead of focusing on my work, was a direct effect of feeling unheard and neglected, shunned, ignored, and un-important. I know it wasn't intentional; he was busy trying to get this project off the ground and determined to keep moving forward. Hearing about a potential wrench in the progress was not what he wanted to hear. But nevertheless, it caused me some angst....

But telling him about all this may just cause more - one of those endless banters we have that neither one of use ever wins - and that is not something I feel like partaking in tonight.

Plus we have a concert to go to!