My One and Only

(From this post on, all posts are present, as previous posts were written last week due to the fact that my blogspot was not yet set up)

Last night I finally told A about my bad dream (see http://lolosloft.blogspot.com/2006/07/dreams-angst.html and told him about some of my doubts and fears. He listened and also apologized for being preoccupied that day I tried to tell him about the work problem I found (which I explained as being one of the few causes of my infidelity nightmare). I kept reiterating my reasons behind my untrusting attitude, and he kept restating his beliefs until I finally relented, seeing that I had no reason to be skeptical or suspicious of my one and only. And then I started to get that not all men are unfaithful and dishonest, and not all people are shifty, shady, and untrustworthy... contrary to what I may have experienced in my 30 + years.

I found a man who has integrity. He's honest and loyal and full of virtues. Kudos to his parents for teaching him morals and goodness and to him for applying those admirable qualities to his every day life.

I now feel like I can let go of the issue altogether, and I know that my daughter & I will learn so much from this person, who is so wonderful, I don't think there's an English word that desciribes him or does him justice.

So with that said, I'd say he's.....

........all that and a bag of chips:)

Insert BIG foot into mouth & shove down throat & maybe if you're lucky you'll croak so no-one will care about what you said anyhow...

Have you ever sent something via email to someone who you had no intention of sending that particular group of thoughts & words to and had the total panic attack that therefore ensues?

Tell me about it, cuz I just did that exact thing and my misery needs company.

The Fiend

Boy, relationships are tough. When things go down hill, it's really hard to switch back to the uphill climb you were on just days before. I guess I'll know if we make it through this "rough patch", as A called it, then we will be okay for all the rest of the ups & downs to come.

Today has definitely been a steady decline (although we did have a really good and practical talk last night about money, and down time, and little girl & single mom packages). But remembering now that my one and only referred to this as a "rough patch" and that "every couple has them from time to time", makes me feel much better about the downhill slump we're currently in.

I do tend to have a very fatalistic outlook when the slightest little bump presents itself in my life. I instantly became afraid and want to stomp out the bump and when it won't flatten back out immediately I panic and everything gets bigger and worse. So that little bump is now a gigantic mountain of a problem.

Way to go LoLo. Nice work on smoothing things over. Calm, cool, and collected - that's me.

Maybe this has something to do with my need to be an actress. I should start taking classes again if not to be the star I once dreamed of, to at least have an outlet for this irrational, over-reacting, drama queen inside me. Then maybe my relationship won't be at the mercy of this uncontrollable sabotaging fiend.

The 'F' Word

I woke up with puffy eyes today. Not from last night's crying jag but from the night before's. I got upset with A and ended up letting all these pent up feelings on neglect and sadness spew out. It was tough and he really was caught off guard and not sure what to do with me and all my emotions. It was good and bad. We didn't resolve anything that night and I cried myself to sleep on the couch mad, hurt, and confused. But we did talk more calmly w/less tears the next day. I think he understands why I was feeling neglected & unloved as of late and vowed to work on it. He mostly blamed it on the heat, the unbearable and relentless heat making him not want to touch anyone and feeling cranky & definitely not "in the mood". So I guess it's good that it's not me that he is un-in-love with, but the weather.

Global Warming is ruining my sex life!

Well, that is part of the problem in my relationship. But the other part is apparently me. What, you knew that already? He-he… I knew it too, I just wasn't sure what in me it was exactly. So I think I'm starting to get it & some of it I've known for some time but lacked the tools to change myself, and some of it is sort of a new concept for me that I'm trying to grasp.

Through my therapy (that I happen to be in with my Ex. to try to repair our relationship for our daughter's sake) it has been brought to my attention that 1) Men don't respond well to emotional women. 2) I may be more emotional than other people on the planet. 3) I may improve my communication and relationships w/others if I learn how to "jar" my emotions until in an appropriate environment or I'm with an appropriate person (a.k.a - friend) to share them. 4) It's okay to be sensitive (even a good asset) and there is nothing wrong with my feelings or with me, I just need better tools to help me... control, no… set them aside to help me get what I want in my life.

Wow, really? You mean there were tools all along and all those years of previous therapy nobody taught them to me? Shit. Alright then. Let's get started before I sabotage this new relationship with all my f-f-f-feeeeeeelinnnggssss…..

Errrr!

Gonna Stick?

I'm having a real rough time these days. I am, on the one hand, a totally giving and loving partner, and I enjoy doing above and beyond what's expected for my one and only. On the other hand I am presently feeling taken for granted, under appreciated, and not as loved as I want to be. I'm torn lately on what to do about this…

If I'm naturally affectionate and free and I love unconditionally, then those are good things right? But when your partner is not naturally free and affectionate and doesn't show his love for you often or a lot, then what do you do? Does that mean you're not a good match? I have always subscribed to the idea that you can't change people. They are who they are and they don't want to change and when you try to force them things go sour. I've fallen for this person who has also fallen for me, and the closer we get and the more we learn about each other, the more apparent it is that we love differently. And I find myself feeling neglected and sad and think that I may have a lifetime of this and don't know if I can handle it.

Thoughts that cross my mind these days:
- I should just get busy and take time for myself & away from him, stop doing so many nice things even if it is normal for me.
- If I pull away maybe he will realize how special I am, and worry that he may lose me, and in return put more effort into meeting my needs.
- I can handle this. He loves me and he shows it by wanting to be with me (even if he doesn't say it), and by caring for my little girl so much and including her in everything he plans, and by taking us to Disneyland, Legoland, the family fun center, and all of his family functions.
- If I love myself enough and feel like I'm worth his love and I'm confident in what we have together, then I shouldn't feel neglected or un-loved.
- If I do feel neglected and unloved, is that because I have some deep rooted issues and low self esteem (in which case I need help), or is it because he is lacking the feelings for me (in which case I should end it)?

Today I feel bad because I did so much for him for his birthday (see yesterday's list) and he was thankful and appreciative but not really thrilled like I had wished. And the co-worker friend of ours (that I had the nightmare about in previous post) went to a special comic convention yesterday and found this really rare and valuable collector's item that A really wanted. She brought it into work today and he's beyond thrilled. Instead of me being excited for him, I feel bad. I feel like the things I got or have planned for him are not as great to him as this item.

Now, before she went to the convention, we talked about the things he wanted that she was going to look for and decided that if she finds any of the things on his list, that she'll get it for me to give to him. Then last minute he told her to scrap all the things on his list and just try to get one of these collectable items for him. So she did, she won a raffle for one of the 50 they were raffling off & paid for it, and got it for him from her. I don't think it would have mattered, even if she would have gotten it for him and then I paid her back and put my name on it. He still would have known that she went to the convention and did all the leg work, so me putting my name on it would have been kinda silly. But I guess it might have made me feel better, that I wasn't out presented.

What can you do?

All of this is a conundrum that I don’t have the will to figure out today. The thing is that I have been with other men who were so good at expressing themselves. They adored me, lusted after me, couldn't keep their hands off of me because they were so obsessed and into me. Even with all that, they were the ones who came in w/a flash and left w/my heart in their hands. They were good at sharing their thoughts and feelings for me, but they were quick to lose them as well and immediately redirected them to some other girl making me see that their so called "feelings" were not really true. So my one and only is the opposite... He's slow to react, slow to give unconditionally, cautious in revealing his desires, but stable and loyal in his commitment to me.

Am I just stuck in a rut of thinking that the former way is the right way even if it was fleeting? And that I should be thinking that his way is the lasting way, the way it is when it's gonna stick, the true way? If that's the case, I wonder how I'm to re-learn what being loved really is…. Hmmmmm.

Spoil Them!

(written on the 20th)

Today's A's birthday - 32! He's younger than me by 2 years but shhhhh… don't tell anyone.

It is a difficult birthday for him because his father died when he was 32. I have been told that he most likely feels he won't make it past 32 since his dad didn't. So there are a lot of mixed emotions for him surrounding this age. He has me and my little one in his life now, and we love to celebrate our loved ones' birthdays and special occasions. We've done "our thing" to make it special for him this year. I'm not sure how he will feel or react to all the little things we have planned since it will be a bitter sweet birthday for him. But we've done our best to help him feel loved and supported. This may not be able to take away the weight and significance of this birthday, but I think he'll know he's loved, supported, and that we're here for him unconditionally.

Here's a list of all the little things we have planned for A -

Presents tonight!

• 1lb. box of See's Candie (all his favorites)
• measuring spoon from William Sonoma (it is one spoon that you slide back a lever to the measurement you need, it has odd one's too like 1 1/2 tsp., 2 T., etc)
• lazy susan (for all his special secret sauce ingredients that are all over the counter)
• tray for carrying dinner and drinks to the coffee table in one trip
• european style cookies and hazelnut chocolates (he was born in Germany so he loves this kind of stuff)
• special homemade coupons (foot massage, breakfast in bed, movie of his choice, hugs & kisses 24/7)
• reservations at a vacation home in Cambria for labor day weekend!!
  

Dinner tonight!

• @Lucky Baldwin's pub (good food and excellent beer!) http://www.luckybaldwins.com/deliriumcafe.html
• his parents are meeting us there to surprise him and bring the cake - mmmmm…. Tiramisu!!
• candles, plates, napkins & balloons
  

Present tomorrow night!

• Lego Scout Action Walker from Star Wars (new release! And we're decorating the wrapping paper ourselves - fun!) http://shop.lego.com/product.asp?p=10174
  

Dinner tomorrow night!

• Café Mundial in Monrovia (crème brulee & chocolate soufflé for dessert : P) http://www.cafemundial.net/
  

So now you know that I completely spoil the ones I love.

Time to Go

My Great Aunt Barbara passed away this morning. She was a wonderful woman, always so kind and caring towards us whippersnappers running amuck around her when we were little. She had suffered a pretty big stroke about 10 years back but recovered nicely and was able to get along pretty well. She had her husband's help, Uncle Lou, who was her biggest fan. Such a devoted and loving man, who was a great influence on the young men in our family. He passed away a couple years ago. She's been able to care for herself since then, but I can't help but wonder about that thing they say...

When one goes, the other goes shortly after because living without that love is not quite living and missing them is too hard to take.

I know I should be thinking that it's her time to go and she's going to a better place and all that. She had a full life with kids and grandkids and a terrific southern social life in NC consisting of church and ball games and picnics and bar-be-ques with friends and family - a fulfilled life. But I am more of the selfish type that just wants all my peeps to be here forever. I know she's better off because this last stroke left her incapable and unconscious. Yet, I still turn into a little child who just wants what she wants regardless of what's best or what's reality.

I think about her children, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, neices, nephews, and all the many loved ones travelling from various places across the country to take care of the funeral arrangements and to be there for one another. How devastated they must be to lose someone who enriched their lives so much. I wish I could be there to hold their hands and give them hugs and be a part of celebrating her life and of saying good bye.

She was a special lady. She had a big heart. She found joy in the little things in life and it showed in her eyes and in her smile. I know we will all miss her presence, her warmness, and her being.

We'll miss you Aunt Barbara!

I hope my hugs and kisses reach all you who need them - xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!

LoLo

The Happy

Last night I saw something pretty cool at the Rose Bowl.

Kids with their parents exercising!

There were the usual office women walking and gossiping together, the cyclists whizzing past me as I struggled to make it around the first turn on foot, the skinny fit fanatics soaring past me as if they had wings, the thin & chubby couples catching each other up on their workdays, and then there were these wonderful dad & son duos, moms & sons, moms & daughters, fathers & daughters too, and couples with strollers with wee babies along for the ride.

I have to say for someone who has struggled to get out and get active and has gotten a bit pessimistic w/life as of late. It was nice to be reminded of the happy out there, the simple pleasures like people spending quality time together, people including their loved ones in their activities, parents teaching their childrn the importance of choosing a certain quality of life... It was a relief for me to get a bit of optimism sprinkled into my day.

And suddenly I was smiling and feeling good about the prospects in my life and the future of our world as I rounded the last bend of the Rose Bowl.

Dreams & Angst

So the monster reared it's ugly head again, this morning about 6:30 am. The doubting, skeptical, paranoia appeared in the form of a dream - a terrible, awful, scary dream. And the worst part in the dream is that I knew, my very observant and highly aware intuition told me that he was about to cheat if he hadn't already (in my dream of course). And when I saw him at work in said dream and mentioned something casually to him about my suspicians, the most telling look of guilt came over his face. He mumbled something defensive and left. He WALKED AWAY after pretty much confirming my worst fears! And then I was at a loss, didn't know if I should fall into a puddle of my own tears completley devastated and defeated, or run after him yelling obscenities, or go and confront her. Panic, abandonment, anger, fear, raced through me at different intervals in lightening speed, completely confusing me.

I ran out to the parking lot to leave, just get out as fast as possible (regardless of the fact that I was at work and was running away in the middle of the day w/no explanation, all obligations to work thrown to the wind) and she was in the parking lot in her car. I tried to just go, walk past her to my car and leave, no scenes needed today, just get to the car. Straight. To. Car. Do. Not. Pass. Go. But she got out of her car, came up to me, and began chit chatting at this pivotal point in my exit plan. I was trying to save face! It finally dawned on her that I was upset, so I burst out "Tell me what exactly happened!" She had the same guilty expression that he had and she immediately went into how nothing had happened and they were just working so much but she could see how I would think something happened.

Just as I was beginning to believe her and realize that I had overreacted she confessed to going out to drinks one night with him while they were supposedly working. It all flashed before me. It was true; he had fallen for her and although they had not acted on their feelings and been together physically yet, it was on the brink of coming to fruition. My intuition was right. It got me again. It always knows.

So I totally freaked on her. I yelled at her and shoved her with all my might (total scene in the parking lot like I was hoping to avoid). She fell hard, as did I, flat on my face. My keys went flying out of my hand and onto the pavement in front of me. I looked at them and reached for them, but they were... just.. out..... of reach....

dream interpreters say "keys" symbolize the following:

"to be out of control or lack the means of access. It may symbolize that you feel unable to acquire what is needed to complete a task or obtain access to persons or knowledge."

http://health.ivillage.com/sleep/0,,8fb96nnw,00.html?ice=iv,mp,st,pl4

sounds about right to me...

So I lay there on the pavement and I paused, everything paused all around me, and I tought "what am I doing? Is my life as I've known it ruined forever? Gone? All the future plans with this person erased? Is there something I should have done to make this not happen? Can I take back knowing and just go back to the way things were an hour before?" And then I looked at this microscopic ant on the asphalt under my nose, and.... I woke up.

Now - this is what sucked. I woke up angry and hurt and upset and cheated on, even though it was just a dream. I still felt so wronged. And I couldn't believe my one and only could do that to me and one of my closest friends could betray me that way. How dare they?! But wait, it was a dream. He didn't really do anything and she didn't do anythng with him, and crap! That was the WORST!

So I cuddled up next to him in bed and wanted to melt into him. He woke up for a second and asked if I was okay. I told him I'd had a really awful dream and that he was super BAD in it and it seemed so real. He rubbed my back for a few minutes and then fell back to sleep. Later he told me that he hadn't "done anything wrong in real life, it's okay, just a dream, and I've been good so don't worry so much." I said, "I know" and left for work.

After some thought... (and I knowI'm obsessing here) what I think created some of this (besides the Ex. I mentioned yesterday) is that when I walked in to talk to the 2 of them yesterday, he didn't listen. I had found a problem and I was trying to bring it to their attention. I even tried again later to tell him that I'd caught a potential problem and what I thought may have caused it. But he still kinda blew it off.

The funny thing is when I got there this morning there was an email from A stating the exact same problem I was trying to get him to see yesterday. He explains it all as if he'd figured it out "Ah-ha! This is what happened!" The good thing is that she responded saying "Yes, that is exactly what LoLo was trying to tell you yesterday over and over again. Smart girl that she is. So you should have listened." (actually I don't think she said that last part about listening but it was implied for sure.) See - she's got my back.

And the dream, I conclude, after thinking it over all morning instead of focusing on my work, was a direct effect of feeling unheard and neglected, shunned, ignored, and un-important. I know it wasn't intentional; he was busy trying to get this project off the ground and determined to keep moving forward. Hearing about a potential wrench in the progress was not what he wanted to hear. But nevertheless, it caused me some angst....

But telling him about all this may just cause more - one of those endless banters we have that neither one of use ever wins - and that is not something I feel like partaking in tonight.

Plus we have a concert to go to!

Paranoia

Is there a reason why I get all tore up inside when I see my BF sitting next to a female co-worker who I'm friends with and is married and I shouldn't worry about either one of them but I do anyhow? I don't know why my imagination goes all wild and cooks up these scenarios of foot rubbing under office chairs and subtle but strong feelings being subdued until they burst out in work bays tucked far enough around the corner to allow some cheating privacy.

Am I out of my mind? Have I been reading too many celebrity gossip columns and watching too much smut TV that it's actually making me suspicious of my one and only? Maybe so, or maybe it's just that I've seen it first hand, on both sides, so I know how easy it can happen. It could also possibly be that I was with a man for 6 & 1/2 years who flirted and crossed the line and may have cheated, most likely did, and made me not trust him and that that is what has me doubting my current wonderful beau. But how to change old thought patterns? How to trust after being dissed, dogged, disenchanted by love? I'd like to NOT be suspicious and NOT let my imagination get the best of me, but somehow it sneaks up on me regardless.

Here's an example:

I walked in to talk to A (also known as my one and only) and the female co-worker (they're working on a project together right now) about an issue on their project. He was sitting at his monitor and she was sitting very close to him with her sheet of paper to check off. I just saw her foot lightly touching his jeans and it made me so, so uncomfortable. We all work very closely like this here so it is not an unusual sight to walk in on. But I'm not used to seeing my BF in such close quarters w/another woman. And YES she can be flirty, but NO I do not think she'd do that to me, and NO he is not the cheating type, and YES he is very loyal to me. He doesn't even go out drinking with the boys or make plans that don't include me or look at other girls as they walk by or any of that paranoia creating BS. He loves me and treats with with kindness and respect.

So I should get over my skepticism, yes?

Yes.

Now! Now! Now!

I'm so blah and want to have a vacation today, right this minute, need at least 10 days off, starting now. I only have 5 hours of pto so I can't get too far with that. And in order to build up enough for NC in Oct. I can't take any more days off.... I'm actually gonna be short (after calculating my 4 measly hours every pay period from now until Oct.) Even if I don't take a day off until then - I will only have 29 hours. Short by 11 hours. How lame is that?!


I am not in a very good mood today either. I don't know why. I think I just really need some time off and feel overwhelmed, stressed out, tired, and at a loss of enthusiasm for my work and all things daily & tedious. In order to break up the monotony & bah-humbugness of today, I think I'll go at lunch to the 99cent store to get wrapping stuff for A's b-day presents, and go to the mall to get the Lego set for him... get it all taken care of before tomorrow night & check on the cats. (You'd think I'd be excited about the concert. I should be, but it's sort of another activity that is coming up and is causing anxiety trying to plan all the other things going on around it - Questions like will we both be off work in time? Will we make it to Long Beach in time? And can I get all the birthday preparations together in time to miss a whole evening of prep while at a concert all the way in Long Beach? And what about those 2 extra tickets we have?) I don't know how I'm gonna fit all this in over the next few days, much less all the things that I need to do today on my lunch.


I just wish I didn't feel so down and so in limbo and so hmmph. I love A so much and maybe that's partly why I feel like I'm falling apart, beacause I'm finally with someone safe and strong that I can let my guard down around and instead of just my guard coming down my whole being is crumbling down fast and is probably long overdue. I wish so much that we could move in together now and that he would get his raise now and that I could take a break from work now (and possibly forever) now. That would be fabulously, scrumptious and wonderful beyond all things of greatness to come.


Please, with a cherry, and sugar on top???!!