Moving, Girls, Hospitals, & Other Chaos

Phew. I am not sure how I survived the weekend. It was crazy but I got so many unexpected gifts amongst the chaos.

A and I were supposed to meet our new landlord to finalize paperwork and give her our deposit so we could start moving in. We never heard from the landlord (turns out she was really sick and not in her office and didn't get any of my panic messages) so our moving was in limbo and incredibly frustrating. So by Friday we were all 3 bumbling around my place grumping at each other and periodically going, "Why haven't they called?" or "We just want to know one way or the other." and " I just can't believe they haven't called." And then we would continue grumping around.

Saturday A decided to go home since it did not look like moving was happening. I took my girl to her dance class and ran some errands. Every time my cell phone rang I did a secret landlord chant to ensure it would be my new landlord calling to tell me we could move in now. It wasn't. Finally I decided after picking up my girlie that I would drop a note by my landlord's brother's house (they own it together and I know him). So I did just that.

My little one had a play date (my smart thinking that if she had a friend over we'd get more moving done because she'd be having fun and maybe we'd even get them to throw some toys in a box or something...) but since we weren't really moving they played and I packed.

At some point I called A and didn't get him. I figured he was busy catching up on his work... Turns out he was deathly ill, well maybe not deathly, but really, really ill! And he hadn't even been able to get to the phone to call me because he was way too busy puking every five minutes. My poor love :( Right as he was about to vomit into the phone, I got an incoming call from the brother landlord! Omigod! I had to take it. So I got off with A and found out that landlord had an illness also but that they left a key in a hiding place and we could start moving in right away! Yea, good news finally!

So I called A back and realized (only after making him gag a number of times by stupidly asking him to give me his pork roast recipe! Duh.) that he was super sick and all alone and no one in his family lives near him and I should offer to go out there. Moments later I'm throwing my girl + friend into the car to drive 45 minutes to his place to buy him Gatorade and toilet paper (don't ask!). On the way I called his mom to let her know 1) Her son's super sick 2) They don't need to come out to help us move since we didn't really get anything ready like we'd hoped. She, being the super mom she is, told me I should try to get him to the Dr. I agreed but I had 2 girls in the car who wanted to have fun and it was already 7PM and the only place we could go was the Urgent Care Center which is like wait & wait & wait & maybe they'll finally see him. But being the loving GF that I am, I did just that. And I blasted Greenday & KidsBop in the car all the way there so the girls would think it was fun, sorta.

We picked up A, who just looked so sad and I wanted to have the magic to fix him and make him all better, and then the music was turned off because as much fun as I wanted the girls to have I also wanted my love to feel good (as good as possible as we bumped and curved and swayed all the way to the Urgent Care Center w/plastic barf bag handy just in case the bumps, curves, & sways prompted its use). The girls were great even though they hadn't eaten yet and they were bored stiff in the waiting room and I kept saying "shush, keep it down girls".

Turned out that A may have had an ulcer or some type of internal bleeding and they wanted him to have blood tests, but guess what. Just to make things more convenient, they couldn't do the test there until Monday and suggested we go to Emergency.

Off we go to Emergency, now 8:30PM and the girls are starving. But as a person who absolutely hates puking and will do all things possible to not puke, I understood that the smell of fast food in the car to the one of ill would not do wonders but instead prompt use of barf bag. No dinner for the munchkins yet.

It took some time to get in just to register and we heard whispers of 4 hour waits. I decided right there that that vending machine selection thru the crowd of sick & injured patients was looking like a pretty good appetizer for two starving 8 year olds.

A apologized so many times for being sick and thanked me just as many times. I actually kinda liked being there for him and was glad to be needed (although him not being sick would have been much nicer).

I finally decided I better leave him there to wait and take the girls to get some food. We drove who knows where to find the fast food part of town and settled on Jack-n-the-Box. I of course had no idea how I got there or how to get back. We kinda got off track until I asked some nice lady where the heck I was and how the heck to get back to the hospital. 1 ultimate cheeseburger, 2 happy & full girls, & 3 u-turns later, we made it back to the hospital. A broke the bad news that yes indeed it would be a 4-6 hour wait and that's where I became brilliant.

I said, "You know I will stay and wait with you if that's what needs to be done, but maybe we should do this instead: leave, pack up some things from your place, go to my house so the girls can play a little before bed and I can be there for you, then wake up first thing in the morning and go to the Methodist Hospital by my house that's so mellow you won't have to wait at all." I got a yes to that and off we went to my house.

Ah, 11PM & home at last. A in bed resting, girls watching Annie in their room, and no key to the new place or packing done! I don't care though because it just feels so good to have a happy kid & to be there for my man.

Sunday morning - we all wake up around 8AM and I call the Methodist Emergency room to find there's no wait at all & to come on down. So off we all go with bed-head and unbrushed teeth and no coffee!!!! to Emergency again. This time he goes right in. I take the girls down to the cafeteria for some breakfast goodies and coffee!!!!! and call A's parents with the update. They are on their way to the hospital to take over so I can get the girls home and maybe even get a few things moved. Then a blessing arrives in the name of my girl's friend's mom who wanted to pick them both up and take them to a harvest festival for the day. Haleluia! Haleluia!

In the meantime I've found out by tracking down the Emergency Dr. that A is not dying and he doesn't have an ulcer but just a virus and they'll give him fluids to get him rehydrated and then he can go home. Yea! And another Haleluia!

So I take the 2 kiddies to the new house, find the hide-a-key, let them run around and check it out, and then run back to my place to get them ready. Off they went to the festival and I sat down for the first time in what seemed like days.

Now what? I wondered as I was all alone staring at houseful of crap that needed to be packed and was not needed by anyone for a few hours. Ugh, I didn't know what to do with myself. I turned into a lump of mush and veged for about 15 minutes at least until I finally decided I better get some shit done! So I rushed around the house cleaning, packing, organizing. I called A's mom for updates, called A to check on him, and went on with all my busy work.

When the 3 of them came back from Emergency I had a small pile of packed boxes to take over to the new place. A went to sleep and me and his dear parents loaded their truck with my crap and moved it in. They left right after to get on the road.

I went back to check on A, my little one returned home, and it was time to make dinner. A's appetite finally returned slightly so we made dinner together (he didn't gag or puke once during dinner prep - good sign!) And we sat down to eat.. all 3 of us. Chaos over.

Phew!

Discoveries!

I made a discovery with the help of my new friend I met on the sidewalk as I was walking to lunch. Here it is: I'm a HOT MOM! I am not self professing this because I would NEVER, but it was lovely to hear.

As I was walking up the sidewalk towards Noah's Bagel to get some soup because I woke up feeling like shinola and figured soup would help, I was stopped by a woman saying, "Are you proud to be a mom?" I replied, "uh, yes." And she handed me a card and told me about the new show she's recruiting for called "Hottest Mom in America". She was a scout and turns out she thought I looked like I would be a good contestant for their new reality show based on a mom who happens to be hot, but isn't a model type; she's a real woman. So I have the card and might just show up for the Hot Mom audition.

The important thing (whether I audition or not) is that it made me see myself in a different light, from a stranger's point of view... and that stranger saw me not as attractive, or pretty, or cute, but HOT! It felt good!

Most of the time I feel run down from being a single parent and working a full time job. I spend most of my time doing for others and rarely get to do for myself. So I walk around this world in a daze thinking of how I can do more or be a better mom or girlfriend or employee, and I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself anymore. So although being recognized as "hot" is not the most important thing in my life and doesn't register real high on my priorities, it was a very pleasant and flattering experience. And I needed to hear it. All of us moms do, I believe. It's too easy to get lost in all the responsibilities we have and the different hats we wear. A little reminder that we've still got it going on can go a long way:)

So to all my moms out there, from one hot mom to another, "YOU'RE HOT! So Celebrate it!" I know I am!!

The Light!

I finally see it. The light that is. It shown bright and full and powerful into my life after one of the most difficult weekends I've ever had to suffer through.

A and I were not having much luck pulling out of our rough patch. Seems that I have a recurring hankering to unleash on him oh, lets say at least once a month. And so this last time I did he was pretty sick of the ole drama queen routine. And of course I had my points that were valid, but I handled them in my usual unexpected outburst of emotions and anger that anyone would most definitely have a problem with. So A made a stand saying that he needed a break from me and us and he wasn't sure how long, he didn't want to break-up or date other people but he did need some time to think and get a little clarity. I said okay, reluctantly, knowing that it was not my choice this time. Funny how when it's the other person needing the break and questioning whether you're worth all the trouble, you find yourself lost and sad and mad at yourself for being such a pain in the arse!

So I did all I could on the surface to be cool with the weekend apart while inside I completely died. My heart broke. I cried every night and sometimes during the day when things felt really bad. I made myself busy to distract and to keep from dwelling and shuffling around in a depression all weekend. The distracting only helped for the exact amount of time I was able to keep my mind off things. And even then he would pop into my mind and I would have to keep myself from breaking into tears in the middle of thousands of people at The Totally 80's concert or at the restaurant I met friends at for dinner or the dive bar I went to to keep myself out as late as possible to avoid being home alone. And then as soon as I was alone I was crying and hurting and calling my best guy friend to get some strength and hope.

Thank god for him! George was all I had holding me up all weekend. He reminded me of the good things - that A loves me and chooses to be with me and is so committed to me. That he just needs a chance to be away so that he can come back stronger knowing he wants to be with me and that our relationship is worth the working/struggling/sticking to it. I called George every moment I felt the sadness or doubt or fear creep in. He was my angel.

A checked in a couple times but our conversations were short and distant. I agreed and laughed and small talked and pretended I was cool with it all, and when the phone clicked off I drooped into a pool of my own tears.

But the fear of losing him made me stop - no more complaining, griping, and general negativity. I did a 180. I took all those negative thoughts and fears that were sabotaging what we had and turned them off. And I started instead to pray for help, to think of all the reasons I love him, to build trust and faith where I had none. It was not easy. I beat myself up in this process of fighting the old sound track my mind plays and creating a new healthy one. I made mistakes but I always kept my cool when communicating with A.

When the weekend was over we talked about how hard it was for BOTH of us. It seems that I was not the only one struggling. He told me that he thought of me a lot and even kept himself from calling me throughout the day when he wanted to talk to me and that he would be out doing his own thing wishing that I was there and wanting to share it with me. And I told him that the time away made me see how much I appreciate him and what was important and that I knew I needed to change and I would do whatever it took. He reciprocated the same feelings back to me.

Since that weekend, we have been doing wonderfully. I have not let the negativity and fear take hold. I've brisked it away and replaced it with the positive things we have together. And guess what! It's working. I feel good. I feel like my life is coming together. I feel in love and butterflies in my tummy. I feel hopeful and that my faith in men, in relationships, in love is being rebuilt piece by piece and is going to be stronger than ever for it.

Oh and I must not forget the cherry on top! We are moving in together. Yes, you read right. We found a house the week before I went to NC. It's in our price range, it's big enough (and then some) for the 3 of us, it has a backyard, and we all LOVE it! Plus it's one door down from where I live now. Perfect! We couldn't have found a better place. And we are moving in on Nov. 1st!

Our weekend struggle confirmed our love for each other and took us to the next step in our journey through life together. And I can't wait to see where this takes us:)

I saw the light. I'm back, and it feels good.