The Light!
I finally see it. The light that is. It shown bright and full and powerful into my life after one of the most difficult weekends I've ever had to suffer through.
A and I were not having much luck pulling out of our rough patch. Seems that I have a recurring hankering to unleash on him oh, lets say at least once a month. And so this last time I did he was pretty sick of the ole drama queen routine. And of course I had my points that were valid, but I handled them in my usual unexpected outburst of emotions and anger that anyone would most definitely have a problem with. So A made a stand saying that he needed a break from me and us and he wasn't sure how long, he didn't want to break-up or date other people but he did need some time to think and get a little clarity. I said okay, reluctantly, knowing that it was not my choice this time. Funny how when it's the other person needing the break and questioning whether you're worth all the trouble, you find yourself lost and sad and mad at yourself for being such a pain in the arse!
So I did all I could on the surface to be cool with the weekend apart while inside I completely died. My heart broke. I cried every night and sometimes during the day when things felt really bad. I made myself busy to distract and to keep from dwelling and shuffling around in a depression all weekend. The distracting only helped for the exact amount of time I was able to keep my mind off things. And even then he would pop into my mind and I would have to keep myself from breaking into tears in the middle of thousands of people at The Totally 80's concert or at the restaurant I met friends at for dinner or the dive bar I went to to keep myself out as late as possible to avoid being home alone. And then as soon as I was alone I was crying and hurting and calling my best guy friend to get some strength and hope.
Thank god for him! George was all I had holding me up all weekend. He reminded me of the good things - that A loves me and chooses to be with me and is so committed to me. That he just needs a chance to be away so that he can come back stronger knowing he wants to be with me and that our relationship is worth the working/struggling/sticking to it. I called George every moment I felt the sadness or doubt or fear creep in. He was my angel.
A checked in a couple times but our conversations were short and distant. I agreed and laughed and small talked and pretended I was cool with it all, and when the phone clicked off I drooped into a pool of my own tears.
But the fear of losing him made me stop - no more complaining, griping, and general negativity. I did a 180. I took all those negative thoughts and fears that were sabotaging what we had and turned them off. And I started instead to pray for help, to think of all the reasons I love him, to build trust and faith where I had none. It was not easy. I beat myself up in this process of fighting the old sound track my mind plays and creating a new healthy one. I made mistakes but I always kept my cool when communicating with A.
When the weekend was over we talked about how hard it was for BOTH of us. It seems that I was not the only one struggling. He told me that he thought of me a lot and even kept himself from calling me throughout the day when he wanted to talk to me and that he would be out doing his own thing wishing that I was there and wanting to share it with me. And I told him that the time away made me see how much I appreciate him and what was important and that I knew I needed to change and I would do whatever it took. He reciprocated the same feelings back to me.
Since that weekend, we have been doing wonderfully. I have not let the negativity and fear take hold. I've brisked it away and replaced it with the positive things we have together. And guess what! It's working. I feel good. I feel like my life is coming together. I feel in love and butterflies in my tummy. I feel hopeful and that my faith in men, in relationships, in love is being rebuilt piece by piece and is going to be stronger than ever for it.
Oh and I must not forget the cherry on top! We are moving in together. Yes, you read right. We found a house the week before I went to NC. It's in our price range, it's big enough (and then some) for the 3 of us, it has a backyard, and we all LOVE it! Plus it's one door down from where I live now. Perfect! We couldn't have found a better place. And we are moving in on Nov. 1st!
Our weekend struggle confirmed our love for each other and took us to the next step in our journey through life together. And I can't wait to see where this takes us:)
I saw the light. I'm back, and it feels good.
A and I were not having much luck pulling out of our rough patch. Seems that I have a recurring hankering to unleash on him oh, lets say at least once a month. And so this last time I did he was pretty sick of the ole drama queen routine. And of course I had my points that were valid, but I handled them in my usual unexpected outburst of emotions and anger that anyone would most definitely have a problem with. So A made a stand saying that he needed a break from me and us and he wasn't sure how long, he didn't want to break-up or date other people but he did need some time to think and get a little clarity. I said okay, reluctantly, knowing that it was not my choice this time. Funny how when it's the other person needing the break and questioning whether you're worth all the trouble, you find yourself lost and sad and mad at yourself for being such a pain in the arse!
So I did all I could on the surface to be cool with the weekend apart while inside I completely died. My heart broke. I cried every night and sometimes during the day when things felt really bad. I made myself busy to distract and to keep from dwelling and shuffling around in a depression all weekend. The distracting only helped for the exact amount of time I was able to keep my mind off things. And even then he would pop into my mind and I would have to keep myself from breaking into tears in the middle of thousands of people at The Totally 80's concert or at the restaurant I met friends at for dinner or the dive bar I went to to keep myself out as late as possible to avoid being home alone. And then as soon as I was alone I was crying and hurting and calling my best guy friend to get some strength and hope.
Thank god for him! George was all I had holding me up all weekend. He reminded me of the good things - that A loves me and chooses to be with me and is so committed to me. That he just needs a chance to be away so that he can come back stronger knowing he wants to be with me and that our relationship is worth the working/struggling/sticking to it. I called George every moment I felt the sadness or doubt or fear creep in. He was my angel.
A checked in a couple times but our conversations were short and distant. I agreed and laughed and small talked and pretended I was cool with it all, and when the phone clicked off I drooped into a pool of my own tears.
But the fear of losing him made me stop - no more complaining, griping, and general negativity. I did a 180. I took all those negative thoughts and fears that were sabotaging what we had and turned them off. And I started instead to pray for help, to think of all the reasons I love him, to build trust and faith where I had none. It was not easy. I beat myself up in this process of fighting the old sound track my mind plays and creating a new healthy one. I made mistakes but I always kept my cool when communicating with A.
When the weekend was over we talked about how hard it was for BOTH of us. It seems that I was not the only one struggling. He told me that he thought of me a lot and even kept himself from calling me throughout the day when he wanted to talk to me and that he would be out doing his own thing wishing that I was there and wanting to share it with me. And I told him that the time away made me see how much I appreciate him and what was important and that I knew I needed to change and I would do whatever it took. He reciprocated the same feelings back to me.
Since that weekend, we have been doing wonderfully. I have not let the negativity and fear take hold. I've brisked it away and replaced it with the positive things we have together. And guess what! It's working. I feel good. I feel like my life is coming together. I feel in love and butterflies in my tummy. I feel hopeful and that my faith in men, in relationships, in love is being rebuilt piece by piece and is going to be stronger than ever for it.
Oh and I must not forget the cherry on top! We are moving in together. Yes, you read right. We found a house the week before I went to NC. It's in our price range, it's big enough (and then some) for the 3 of us, it has a backyard, and we all LOVE it! Plus it's one door down from where I live now. Perfect! We couldn't have found a better place. And we are moving in on Nov. 1st!
Our weekend struggle confirmed our love for each other and took us to the next step in our journey through life together. And I can't wait to see where this takes us:)
I saw the light. I'm back, and it feels good.
posted by LoLo @ 3:36 PM
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