I'm an ostrich.

Today I would like to bury my head in the ground like an ostrich. All this reflecting and self helping I'm in the midst of is making me want to sit home in my pjs all day staring at the dustballs under the furniture.

I'm definitely in a slump and feeling this way while at work is the pits. The fact that it's slow as hell at work and I have nothing to do but try to distract myself with other people's lives, issues, problems, jokes, sarcasm while reading thru their blogs is not really making me snap out of it. I guess I just have to embrace it for the time being because I don't see coming out of the funk anytime soon.

It's hard to explain really what got me here. My life has been so up and down and unpredictable. It wasn't all bad but there are definitely some scars that haven't healed and I'm tired of torturing myself and my A with my bags and bags of baggage. So I'm here dealing with it all head on wishing I were an ostrich instead of a therapy going, motivational speaker listening, pitiful and sorry assed frump of a human. Sometimes hiding and avoiding is just so much easier.

But since I am not burying my head anymore or pretending by being the ever optimistic one, you all (all 2 of you out there who visit me from time to time) may have to read some sappy sorry posts for a bit. Hope you don't mind.

While you're here send me some good vibes too, prayers, whatever you can... I need it. A just started taking meds to help his anxiety which I hope will help things between us too, but he is in his own world right now. So I'm kinda on my own here. But I think I should be in some ways since he's had to bear the burden of carrying my baggage around for the past 2 years, I suppose he deserves a break to carry his own baggage for awhile.

Since my little one is at her dad's this weekend I'll have plenty of time to sit in the funk without harming her in the process. Here's to self help and growth and enlightenment and to becoming a peacock some day.

Honestly

I'm feeling the need to confess some things here, honestly, some may be petty or trivial while others seem huge & I just need to unload them:

• Work this past 2 days has been boring as hell and I've had to entertain myself by reading anything and everything on the Internet that's not blocked by the Internet Nazi. I get paid to read all your blogs, at least when it's slow. It's fun for an hour or two but eight hours of blog reading is a tad much (even if you're all so very enlightened, funny, and lovely writers).

• My little one needs to earn back another toy. Well she did, but we were so busy rushing to get dinner eaten, reading done, and butt in bed by 9:30 which ended up being 10 that we never made it to the garage for her to pick a toy out. Now she's at her dad's till Sunday. Note to self: must make time to fit in the reward or this will never work!

• A has been very sweet over the past few days and I got all pissy with him last night because of our lack of sex life over the past couple of weeks. I shouldn't have made him feel bad especially after he has been so great with my little one and so giving to me lately. And honestly I was feeling all warm and fuzzy until we went to bed last night & there was no action. Also it dawned on me how long it had been. Way past my due date! I'm like the guy here always wanting and always going to bed frustrated. Turns out after I tiptoed out to cry in the living room and A had to follow me to find out what my problem was, that he has been very unhappy w/work to the point that he feels like a failure at 33 for not reaching his goal. I guess sex is not at the top of his to do list right now. I'm not sure how to apologize. And as much as sex is important to me, I realize that sometimes there are "dry spells" for important reasons. Making him feel like crap for not participating in the extra curricular activities was just not good on my part. Long term relationships have ups and downs. I must accept that instead of taking it personally.

• And while we're on the subject of personal stuff here, it dawned on me the other night that A is taking the brunt of my absolute lack of self esteem. Not that I didn't know I had esteem problems it's just that the connection between what I blame him for and the real reasons behind my inferiority complex is finally very clear. It's not his fault that I grew up with little love and affection and that the only praise I got was if I was thin and my hair was just right. Now that I'm fat and my hair is a freakin mess, I have no good things to praise. And A is not verbal anyhow. He's told me I was pretty once in the 2 years we've been together. But I am fully aware I should feel good about myself w/out the praise of others on looks or accomplishments or anything. It's not his job to heal my childhood wounds or make me feel good about myself. Now that I have that straight, I'm not sure how to get myself to feel good about me. I guess I started to only value myself as a thin, well dressed, nice hair-do individual and now that I don't have any of those assets to give me even the slightest bit of confidence, I'm not sure how to get there.

• My guy BFF gave me some self help CDs to listen to in my car, and a hypnotizing CD to go to sleep to at night to help with motivation (ie. move my ass & exercise in my attempt to get thin again to feel good about myself at least in some way).

• I'm in the thick of self discovery, healing, and hopefully growth somewhere down the line. How did life get so complicated? When I was young I didn't have all these worries. I played all day and didn't care what anyone thought about me. I felt good just for being me. I knew I was special. Now I feel far from special. I feel frumpy and boring.

I am done w/my confessions for now. I may have more tomorrow. It actually feels kinda good to admit the truth or the bad things I think & feel. Maybe it will help bring me out of the funk I've been in for far too long now.



Tell me your confessions, go ahead, let your load off!

Somebody needs to teach me how to post pictures...

I took this from http://californiablogging.wordpress.com/ but I'm lame and don't know how to post the cool picture and everything. I need blog lessons.

***Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence***
You shine in your ability to relate to and understand others.Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel.You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations.A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict.
You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

I guess good blogger or good computer person was not on my bestest assets list:)

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofintelligencedoyouhavequiz/

Unruly Child? See this Post!

Here's what I did at the suggestion of my great BFF http://jippyjabber.blogspot.com/ So far it has done wonders!

I WENT INTO HER ROOM & TOOK EVERYTHING OUT!

You read right. She had a zillion toys and a TV in her room. They are now all GONE.... in the garage:)

I explained to Jippy that I had a child who refused to just do what we asked when we asked her. She always had to explain why she just couldn't possibly do what we asked. She's a negotiator. And I'm talking for anything we asked of her, from the biggest things like clean up your toys to the smallest things like hand me that pen. It was baaaaaad.

Disclaimer: My daughter is smart & I brought her up to speak her mind and to have an opinion. I was not of the "children are to be seen and not heard" mentality. I still believe this to be true, but you don't want your kids to use this power against you. And I was having no luck. I tried doing what my therapist suggested which was to dock 25 cents from her allowance every time she did not do what we asked. This did not have a big enough impact on her. She just got a smaller allowance but her behavior did not change. And boy we were tired, sick & tired of the battle. Smart and obedient is good, smart and I'll do whatever the hell I want when I feel like it IS NOT.

So I went into her room when she was at her dad's (Har, not sure when you could do this and to what scale but I'm sure you can modify it to fit your needs) and I boxed up, bagged up, tupperwared up every toy and stuffed animal, game and knickknack. I left books only because you know, reading's important:) I packed it all up and dragged every last item of entertainment into our garage.

When she came home she was amazed to see her room so spotless. She was very excited, but she did have this one important question - Where is all my stuff?

I explained in a very calm voice that I had put it all in the garage and we had some new rules to discuss. She was all ears!

I said that she would have to earn her things back one by one. She would need to change her behavior and do what she was asked when she was told with NO ifs, ands, or buts about it. I explained that if she started behaving appropriately she could earn a toy back and that we would decide when that time would be.

Her next question was about dessert. I had also put this rule into the mix at the request of A who was fed up with her demand for dessert every night after dinner. She now has to also earn dessert. It is not just to be expected but will be given to her when we feel like she's earned a dessert. So she asked, "Can I earn dessert tonight or is that too soon?" Granted is was like 5pm at this point and I hadn't really thought about how much she had to do to earn back so I told her we'd have to see and checked with A. He felt it was too soon and she needed a good dry spell before she'd "get it" (meaning get the concept, not get the dessert). And I agreed. No dessert tonight.

She was fine with it. With all of it. It was almost as if she was glad to have the burden off or her. She no longer had to bear the burden of playing know-it-all child who could always negotiate a way to get out of anything. Plus I'm sure the constant yelling and lectures from us was getting old:) This new plan seemed to work for all of us.

Since then she has earned one dessert & one toy. She's actually been pretty wonderful and the only reason she's only earned back 2 things is because we wanted to make sure it had really sunk in, to make sure the rules were enforced and her responses were in check before we let her get a toy from the garage.

So before we left town for our Labor Day excursion, I told her she'd been behaving and listening and she earned one toy of her choice to take on the trip with us. We went to the garage and she looked over her things and picked a little chihuahua stuffed animal.

In the meantime if she slips up and starts to negotiate or argue or give excuses I gently say, "hey didn't we ask you not to do that?" And she responds with "Oh, okay." And immediately corrects herself on her own. On. Her. Own.

It has been wonderful and peaceful and so lovely at our house. We are now the authority in our home and she is the child. She still has an opinion and a point of view and sometimes we ask her for it.

Now, please let me know if any of you try this on any level and how it works for you!