LoLo's Loft

News!

2008-07-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a long while since I've written. But I have new news:) Guess what! I'm expecting! I am about 3 months along and have been feeling like crap for most of it. But we're all super excited. C & A are both hoping for a boy and none of us can wait to find out. I'm told we may get lucky and be able to see what sex it is on my next ultrasound which is next week but usually they can't tell until about your 5th month. Ugh! We will try to be patient but it won't be easy. A has started to clean out our 3rd room which is his computer/Lego room. He's made a lot of progress. Soon we'll be able to fit a crib, changing table, and baby toys in there:)

Both of our families are really happy for us. Of course it wasn't quite planned but I was secretly wishing for it for about a year now. I was worried that I'd be too old if I didn't get preggers soon or there would be complications because of my age. So now I am overjoyed to be sick to my stomach all day every day, tired as hell all day every day, and moodier than ever all day every day. Oh the joys of pregnancy!

A is looking into doing some freelance work so that I can stay home with my 2 kiddies soon. I'm not due until January so we're hoping by the time I go on maternity leave he'll have his freelance business up and running. And if it works out he'll actually bring in more by working 1 day a week then I'm bringing in by working 40 hours a week. How awesome will that be?!! We need good vibes, blessings, prayers, chants, whatever you can give:)

Dude! Gordon won and I learned how to post a photo!!!

2007-10-08T17:06:00.001-07:00

So cool that Jeff Gordon Won @Talladega! I've been watching since May and have not seen him win , he's gotten reeeaaallllyyyy close but hasn't won.... until now! Whoop!

He's our fave. And Jimmy Johnson and their new teammate next season - Dale Earnhardt Jr.

The Hendricks team is gonna be amazing.

http://assets.espn.go.com/photo/2007/1007/rpm_a_gordon_275.jpg

Good News, furniture, pooches & Russian tea cakes

2007-10-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

It seems the slump, funk, pity party did not last long! Yea!

I'm not sure if it is due to the inspirational CDs I've been listening to, my own efforts to buck up, the new season moving in, or that A has been a total angel every day. What I do know is that things feel just right, right on track, a-okay, and hunky-dory to be as cheesy as I can possibly be!

We had a great weekend. We cleaned and organized and A put together the new TV stand on Saturday. It looks so nice and made our living room look so open. We had kinda a jumble of cords and wires and electronics stacked up on each other on top of side tables next to the TV. Now it's all hidden in a TV stand cabinet made for guess what? Your TV and TV paraphernalia! Who woulda guessed? All I can say is WOW what a difference. We have plans for nice cabinets to line the walls so we can hide all of our clutter and display only the chosen pieces behind glass doors. We don't have the money quite yet and are planning on asking for IKEA gift cards for Christmas to help us purchase our new living room. Next is a decent couch. If I had any idea how to post PICTURES, I'd show you the 2 furniture type thingys masquerading as couches right now and you'd understand. One is actually a once nice futon that kills our backs and makes my legs ache if I sit there for too long. It's missing a support bar on the left side so there's an awkward hole where the cushion sinks in. If the last person to reach the couch decides to sit w/the other 2 peeps who scored the supported spots at the other end of the couch, he/she just has to position her ass just right so it fits in snugly and it can be tolerated. The other couch is an old IKEA sofa bed. It's more comfy and has real cushions and no holes, but it became the couch the animals abused so nobody likes to sit there despite the charming throws and decorative cushions I've strategically placed to hide the said pet abuse. It is a pale avocado green with some large dog bone grease stains on the bottom cushions. The arms have been malled by two kitties who I refuse to declaw because it's SO cruel (trust me I know, but that's a story for another time). And if you feel something lumpy under your bum, no worries, it's most likely just a half eaten bone or chew toy that's been buried by the pooch for a future snack. She's very resourceful that way.

Anyhoo, Sunday we watched NASCAR. Greg Biffle won which is cool, but we were hoping for Gordon or Jimmy Johnson. But Biffle's a good driver. Congrats to him! I napped off & on throughout the race. A & I even made some time for a quick extra curricular activity before my little one came home from her dad's. Then we had an amazing steak dinner, au gratin potatoes, & green beans, and for dessert... homemade pumpkin bread pudding. Yum!

The pooch is in heat. She's been yelping and whining and bleeding. We have to keep her either in her crate or in the kitchen so she doesn't bleed all over everything. I feel bad for her but we couldn't get her in for an appointment at the vet until 2 weeks from now. I tried the Humane Society too and they're taking appointments for December right now - 2 months away! Jeesh. Anyhow, it has been a little hard to relax with the pooch squealing and having to take her in and out on her leash every half hour and in and out of the kitchen, not to mention cleaning the kitchen floor periodically throughout the day. Pets are fun. Hehe. No really we lover her but um, she's just a lot of work.

I've been reading a lot of blogs as I said in below post because it's so slow at work. I have favorites that I read everyday but here's a few of my new faves -

http://hitandrun-00.blogspot.com/
http://www.solokiwimum.blogspot.com/
http://theredneckmommy.com/
http://www.literarymama.com/columns/singlemomseeking/

Off to buy snacks @ http://www.martinosbakery.com/ for the 1st Girl Scout meeting of the year - Russian Tea Cakes! Can't go wrong with those!

I'm an ostrich.

2007-09-27T15:44:00.001-07:00

Today I would like to bury my head in the ground like an ostrich. All this reflecting and self helping I'm in the midst of is making me want to sit home in my pjs all day staring at the dustballs under the furniture.

I'm definitely in a slump and feeling this way while at work is the pits. The fact that it's slow as hell at work and I have nothing to do but try to distract myself with other people's lives, issues, problems, jokes, sarcasm while reading thru their blogs is not really making me snap out of it. I guess I just have to embrace it for the time being because I don't see coming out of the funk anytime soon.

It's hard to explain really what got me here. My life has been so up and down and unpredictable. It wasn't all bad but there are definitely some scars that haven't healed and I'm tired of torturing myself and my A with my bags and bags of baggage. So I'm here dealing with it all head on wishing I were an ostrich instead of a therapy going, motivational speaker listening, pitiful and sorry assed frump of a human. Sometimes hiding and avoiding is just so much easier.

But since I am not burying my head anymore or pretending by being the ever optimistic one, you all (all 2 of you out there who visit me from time to time) may have to read some sappy sorry posts for a bit. Hope you don't mind.

While you're here send me some good vibes too, prayers, whatever you can... I need it. A just started taking meds to help his anxiety which I hope will help things between us too, but he is in his own world right now. So I'm kinda on my own here. But I think I should be in some ways since he's had to bear the burden of carrying my baggage around for the past 2 years, I suppose he deserves a break to carry his own baggage for awhile.

Since my little one is at her dad's this weekend I'll have plenty of time to sit in the funk without harming her in the process. Here's to self help and growth and enlightenment and to becoming a peacock some day.

Honestly

2007-09-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling the need to confess some things here, honestly, some may be petty or trivial while others seem huge & I just need to unload them:

Work this past 2 days has been boring as hell and I've had to entertain myself by reading anything and everything on the Internet that's not blocked by the Internet Nazi. I get paid to read all your blogs, at least when it's slow. It's fun for an hour or two but eight hours of blog reading is a tad much (even if you're all so very enlightened, funny, and lovely writers).

My little one needs to earn back another toy. Well she did, but we were so busy rushing to get dinner eaten, reading done, and butt in bed by 9:30 which ended up being 10 that we never made it to the garage for her to pick a toy out. Now she's at her dad's till Sunday. Note to self: must make time to fit in the reward or this will never work!

A has been very sweet over the past few days and I got all pissy with him last night because of our lack of sex life over the past couple of weeks. I shouldn't have made him feel bad especially after he has been so great with my little one and so giving to me lately. And honestly I was feeling all warm and fuzzy until we went to bed last night & there was no action. Also it dawned on me how long it had been. Way past my due date! I'm like the guy here always wanting and always going to bed frustrated. Turns out after I tiptoed out to cry in the living room and A had to follow me to find out what my problem was, that he has been very unhappy w/work to the point that he feels like a failure at 33 for not reaching his goal. I guess sex is not at the top of his to do list right now. I'm not sure how to apologize. And as much as sex is important to me, I realize that sometimes there are "dry spells" for important reasons. Making him feel like crap for not participating in the extra curricular activities was just not good on my part. Long term relationships have ups and downs. I must accept that instead of taking it personally.

And while we're on the subject of personal stuff here, it dawned on me the other night that A is taking the brunt of my absolute lack of self esteem. Not that I didn't know I had esteem problems it's just that the connection between what I blame him for and the real reasons behind my inferiority complex is finally very clear. It's not his fault that I grew up with little love and affection and that the only praise I got was if I was thin and my hair was just right. Now that I'm fat and my hair is a freakin mess, I have no good things to praise. And A is not verbal anyhow. He's told me I was pretty once in the 2 years we've been together. But I am fully aware I should feel good about myself w/out the praise of others on looks or accomplishments or anything. It's not his job to heal my childhood wounds or make me feel good about myself. Now that I have that straight, I'm not sure how to get myself to feel good about me. I guess I started to only value myself as a thin, well dressed, nice hair-do individual and now that I don't have any of those assets to give me even the slightest bit of confidence, I'm not sure how to get there.

My guy BFF gave me some self help CDs to listen to in my car, and a hypnotizing CD to go to sleep to at night to help with motivation (ie. move my ass & exercise in my attempt to get thin again to feel good about myself at least in some way).

I'm in the thick of self discovery, healing, and hopefully growth somewhere down the line. How did life get so complicated? When I was young I didn't have all these worries. I played all day and didn't care what anyone thought about me. I felt good just for being me. I knew I was special. Now I feel far from special. I feel frumpy and boring.

I am done w/my confessions for now. I may have more tomorrow. It actually feels kinda good to admit the truth or the bad things I think & feel. Maybe it will help bring me out of the funk I've been in for far too long now.

Tell me your confessions, go ahead, let your load off!

Somebody needs to teach me how to post pictures...

2007-09-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

I took this from http://californiablogging.wordpress.com/ but I'm lame and don't know how to post the cool picture and everything. I need blog lessons.

***Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence***
You shine in your ability to relate to and understand others.Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel.You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations.A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict.
You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

I guess good blogger or good computer person was not on my bestest assets list:)

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofintelligencedoyouhavequiz/

Unruly Child? See this Post!

2007-09-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

Here's what I did at the suggestion of my great BFF http://jippyjabber.blogspot.com/ So far it has done wonders!

I WENT INTO HER ROOM & TOOK EVERYTHING OUT!

You read right. She had a zillion toys and a TV in her room. They are now all GONE.... in the garage:)

I explained to Jippy that I had a child who refused to just do what we asked when we asked her. She always had to explain why she just couldn't possibly do what we asked. She's a negotiator. And I'm talking for anything we asked of her, from the biggest things like clean up your toys to the smallest things like hand me that pen. It was baaaaaad.

Disclaimer: My daughter is smart & I brought her up to speak her mind and to have an opinion. I was not of the "children are to be seen and not heard" mentality. I still believe this to be true, but you don't want your kids to use this power against you. And I was having no luck. I tried doing what my therapist suggested which was to dock 25 cents from her allowance every time she did not do what we asked. This did not have a big enough impact on her. She just got a smaller allowance but her behavior did not change. And boy we were tired, sick & tired of the battle. Smart and obedient is good, smart and I'll do whatever the hell I want when I feel like it IS NOT.

So I went into her room when she was at her dad's (Har, not sure when you could do this and to what scale but I'm sure you can modify it to fit your needs) and I boxed up, bagged up, tupperwared up every toy and stuffed animal, game and knickknack. I left books only because you know, reading's important:) I packed it all up and dragged every last item of entertainment into our garage.

When she came home she was amazed to see her room so spotless. She was very excited, but she did have this one important question - Where is all my stuff?

I explained in a very calm voice that I had put it all in the garage and we had some new rules to discuss. She was all ears!

I said that she would have to earn her things back one by one. She would need to change her behavior and do what she was asked when she was told with NO ifs, ands, or buts about it. I explained that if she started behaving appropriately she could earn a toy back and that we would decide when that time would be.

Her next question was about dessert. I had also put this rule into the mix at the request of A who was fed up with her demand for dessert every night after dinner. She now has to also earn dessert. It is not just to be expected but will be given to her when we feel like she's earned a dessert. So she asked, "Can I earn dessert tonight or is that too soon?" Granted is was like 5pm at this point and I hadn't really thought about how much she had to do to earn back so I told her we'd have to see and checked with A. He felt it was too soon and she needed a good dry spell before she'd "get it" (meaning get the concept, not get the dessert). And I agreed. No dessert tonight.

She was fine with it. With all of it. It was almost as if she was glad to have the burden off or her. She no longer had to bear the burden of playing know-it-all child who could always negotiate a way to get out of anything. Plus I'm sure the constant yelling and lectures from us was getting old:) This new plan seemed to work for all of us.

Since then she has earned one dessert & one toy. She's actually been pretty wonderful and the only reason she's only earned back 2 things is because we wanted to make sure it had really sunk in, to make sure the rules were enforced and her responses were in check before we let her get a toy from the garage.

So before we left town for our Labor Day excursion, I told her she'd been behaving and listening and she earned one toy of her choice to take on the trip with us. We went to the garage and she looked over her things and picked a little chihuahua stuffed animal.

In the meantime if she slips up and starts to negotiate or argue or give excuses I gently say, "hey didn't we ask you not to do that?" And she responds with "Oh, okay." And immediately corrects herself on her own. On. Her. Own.

It has been wonderful and peaceful and so lovely at our house. We are now the authority in our home and she is the child. She still has an opinion and a point of view and sometimes we ask her for it.

Now, please let me know if any of you try this on any level and how it works for you!

2007-08-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

I was gonna write today, but got side tracked at work. The nerve of them to give me something to do!

I was gonna tell you all about the great idea my BFF gave me to help reel in my daughter who was acting like a teen even though she's only 9. So far her idea is working but it took some hard work on my part and some major discipline to stick to my guns. It has to do with her "earning the right" ....to play w/toys, to have play dates, to have dessert, etc.

Maybe I can write about it tomorrow. Maybe work won't actually have me work.

Stay tuned.

Tell me all about yourself....

2007-08-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

Here's the catch, one word answers only!

I posted my answers. Post yours in the comments or copy and paste to your blog.

** taken from http://www.ariagoesdown.blogspot.com/ ** (perfect for me right now because I have writer's block)

1. Where is your cell phone? desk

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? lovely

3. Your hair? blonde

4. Work? blah

5. Your father? funny

6. Your favorite thing? movies

7. Your dream last night? sexual

8. Your favorite drink? coffee

9. Dream car? rolls

10. The room you're in? bright

11. Your pet? three

12. Your fears? abandonment

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? mom

14. Where did you hang out last night? sofa

15. What you're not good at? organization

16. Eyebrow rings on the preferred sex? nah

17. One of your wish list items? travel

8. Where you grew up? everywhere

19. The last thing you did? email

20. What are you wearing? jeans

21. What aren't you wearing? jewelry

22. The website GoofyAuctions.com (filled with eBay spoofs)? unknown

23. Your computer? on

24. Your life? interesting

25. Your mood? joyful

26. Missing? ring

27. What are you thinking about right now? future

28. Your car? awesome

29. Your work? tolerant

30. Your summer? good

31. Your relationship status? attached

32. Your favorite color? sea-green

33. When is the last time you laughed? today

34. Last time you cried? unknown

35. School? finshed!

Your turn!

My Little Gypsy

2007-06-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

My little one is going to be a travelling gypsy this summer.

She took off for her first journey yesterday with her 5 y.o. cousin, Ethan. She was so excited. She couldn't wait for him and his family (my big sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, my two nephews, the dog, and the lizard) to pull up and cart her & her cargo off to the beach for 5 days. She was all packed and ready well before they arrived. She packed her favorite t-shirts & shorts, her bathing suit, 7 pairs of underwear (she thought she may need extras for after swimming, etc. - smart thinking!), her toiletries, crocs, (and at my insistence some flip flops & some tennis shoes. She lives in those crocs, some other options might be good...), sweats, pj's, and her favorite stuffed animals. She took her bike & her scooter so she and Ethan could zip around the beach harbor, the park, or the neighborhood. She even packed her lunchbox with a few snacks to eat on the ride down. She was prepared. And honestly, when they pulled up she was out the door without much of a goodbye to momma. It's okay though because I would rather have her off having fun this summer and not worrying about a thing except for which shovel & pail to use for the sand castle she's building. Here's what my sister has planned for the week... bicycling @ the park, swimming slipping & sliding @ the water park, the beach, the fair, and maybe even Legoland.

When she comes home on Thursday she will have about 3 days before she is off on her next summer excursion to Texas with Poppa & Step mom. I don't know what they have planned but I do know it will be over the 4th of July and I'm sure Texas has some great festivities in store. Plus her Step mom has a huge family and lotsa friends. They eat fun stuff too, lots of BBQ and homemade cakes & goodies. She'll have a great time I'm sure.

Next stop - Beach again. Once she has her 10 or so days in Texas she will be back for a day or two and then she's off to the beach again. This time w/Grandma. She will stay w/grandma & grandpa at their condo and they'll all visit as much as possible w/my mom's best friend & her family in town w/their daughter who's 1 year older than mine. They always have so much fun and usually a little trouble too.

Journey #4 - Road Trip! This is the trip I actually get to participate in. Hooray! We have planned a road trip to Portland for my sister's wedding. We're driving straight up in the middle of the night to be up there in time for the wedding festivities. It's in a national park and sounds like it will be beautiful, touching, and fun. I'm so excited for my sis! We will stay up there for 2 days and then slowly make our way down to LA. We're stopping in these fine places: my birth town -Trinidad/Arcata, Mendocino, Monterey Bay, Big Sur, San Fransisco, and Hearst Castle. And who knows where else we'll decide to drop by as long as time permits.

Funny thing is - my little gypsy will still have a full month and a half at home once all her travels are over, to play in the sprinkler take the dog to the park, and have sleep-overs with friends.

Ah, summer. Can I be 10 again?

2007-06-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning groggy and not wanting to get out of bed. But I forced myself to by at least the 4th time the alarm went off:) And as usual I got my little one up (only took me 2 tries this morning), and got her breakfast while I thought she was getting dressed. Instead I walked into her room and found her slumped over her new clothes with the scissors in one hand and tags in the other. I said, "Hey, you better hurry it up." She then threw the scissors on the floor, followed by her clothes, and then w/a scowl on her face she slumped over even further. I said, "What's wrong? Do you need help?" She didn't answer so I picked them up and finished cutting off the tags. We are not Morning People.

But by the time she was dressed and full from breakfast she was in a much perkier mood and she looked adorable in her new clothes. After I drop her off at school I come home and get myself ready for work. I drank my coffee, watched TV and then headed to the bedroom to get myself together. I have to be really quiet so I don't wake A since he doesn't have to get up as early as I do. And by the time I head out the door with my second cup o coffee, I feel pretty optimistic about my day. I hop up into my new car and pull out of the driveway thinking life is good.

Do you know how much it means to me to have a moment like that?! To actually breathe in and feel like my life is pretty good?! That is major. I have been struggling for so long in so many different areas in my life and for once, things are settled, the struggle has subsided.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Now I have more to give to others. I haven't had much in me. I was spread so thin for way too long. I'm 35 and I feel like I'm 85. Not no more! I will eat granola, and go for walks, and go to my new Dr. because I now have a PPO - no more HMO crappy crap from the doctors who have been no help to me for the last 2 years! And I can be more loving towards my loved ones, my A, my C, my friends, heck - myself!

Ode (or owed) to my friends

2007-05-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

Right now what I have on my mind before the long weekend has nothing to do with Memorial Day or the plans I have for the weekend or myself for that matter. It has to do with some of the amazing people I'm friends with either in person or thru our blogs.

They are:

Jippy - http://jippyjabber.blogspot.com/ my BFF who is an amazing writer, artist, mother, friend, and always has something to say worth reading. She teaches me something new every day.

Just Joy - http://justajoy.blogspot.com/ a bright & passionate blogger friend w/a heart of gold

Richard - http://mediapython.com/blog/2007/05/25/small-breakthroughs a new blogger friend I just happened upon who shares an amazing breakthrough w/Ben

Chag - http://cynicaldad.blogspot.com/index.html he shares this interesting analogy about parents discovering their child has autism http://www.aboutautism.org.uk/holland.htm

The thing that brings these special people to mind today is their connection to Autism/Asperger's and what each of them is doing to contribute and deal with these disorders on a daily real basis.

Jippy is a mother of an autistic son Zachery. She's done so much good work with her son since she discovered he was autistic. He is 13 now and is a great communicator because of her patience and diligence. Zachary told me he was sad the other day because he didn't get the 4 stuffed animals he wanted at the zoo. It was wonderful to hear him express his feelings. He's becoming an incredible young man!

Just Joy is a young woman about to embark on college life in which she'll be using music as therapy for autistic children and adults. What a significant impact she'll have on our friends and family members w/Autism, and how lucky those will be who get to work with her. Such compassion and endurance as she's stood strong to get into a good school so she can follow her dreams to help others!

Richard is a father figure to Ben who he's cared for and loved since he was born. Ben has Asperger's which I don't know much about at all but he's touched me with his love for Ben and his desire to always treat Ben with respect. He's teaching Ben new things, and because of that, Ben is conquering his disorder in big ways. He's an inspiration to me as a parent. Such a strong individual.

Chag is a father of two who I began reading to get a man's perspective on fatherhood. He's a stay at home dad and has some really funny (in that sarcastic kinda way) stories about his kids, wife, and their life. He just found out that his little boy has autism. I'm more of a lurker on Chag's blog really, but I like reading his take on things, plus he lives in NC and I like being able to connect to there because I miss it. This is a tough time for Chag and although I don't have children w/autism or any other special needs or circumstances, I empathize with what he's going through. My thoughts are with him and his family.

Today my heart is filled with gratefulness for having these 4 awesome individuals in the world & in my life . It's filled me with something that I can't quite put my finger on... something that makes me feel in touch with the Grander, with a Greater presence, and something that makes it so clear to me that there are much more significant things going on in the world. Things that make me realize how trivial some of the worries I have are... And that's a good thing because anyone who knows me knows I worry over some pretty small stuff!

So here's to my 4 friends... (picture a large mug of beer being raised here, and me toasting you, and then all of us guzzling it down! :)

Hugs!

Evil?

2007-05-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

My little one has started doing chores at our house. It's a great big help to me. Humongous! And she's doing them with cheer instead of gripes. It's been lovely:) And at the end of each week she gets 5 bucks allowance for all the work she's done.

Although this is new for her with us, she's had chores for some time now at her dad & step mom's. So the other night as she was comparing chores w/us vs. chores w/them she started going down the list of things she has to take care of over there. They are the following:

make her bed
set the table
take out the trash
change her sheets
fold and put away the laundry
clear the table
scrub the toilet!
I said! scrub the toilet!

I had chores growing up but never did I have to scrub the toilet! I even had to pick up the dog poop, which my little one also helps us with in the yard once a month, but never did I have to scrub the toilet. It's not that I don't think she needs to learn how, some day, but I think 9 is a little young to be forced to scrub the icky commode that three people use (one being a very large man who likes to eat chilly and things like hotdogburgers and giant 2 lb. burritos - you get the idea...) I don't think I liked scrubbing the pot after him when we were married and I was a grown-up/wife/mother who felt it was part of my role/responsibilities. But as the step mom who doles out the chores over there, you'd think she'd have a little voice that'd pipe up saying, "now go easy on scrubbing of the floors or scrubbing of the toilets because you don't want to come off as the evil stepmother who makes her new stepdaughter do ALL the dirty work. Give her chores to teach her responsibility and respect for her home, but take it easy on the little thing. It'll help you seem nice & not evil." Nope. Not the case apparently. The little voice did not speak up.

One reason why this worries me is because they are expecting. This will be my daughter's first sibling. They just found out that it's a girl. So when this new little adorable bundle shows up at the house (which my little one is absolutely thrilled about!) will she feel like she's being treated differently? Would Ms. Step Mom make her own little pipsqueak scrub the nasty ole' potty? I'm not so sure. She may have to make her bed or help set the table, but clean the commode? I don't know, I just don't know.

How many other kids have to do this? Is it just another chore or is it beyond chores? Did someone make you scrub the toilets growing up and if so did you get the feeling you were the house servant or did you feel it was just part of your duties?

I'm curious, and I hope I'll be proven wrong on this.

The Daily Grind, I mean Scoop.

2007-05-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

This going to be one long month! I'm so slow at work, I've read every blog, every article about every celeb what-have-you, every bad celeb outfit vs. good celeb outfit critique I can handle. I even read the updates on American Idol which I hardly even watch and Dancing w/the Stars (Heather Mills just got booted apparently). I've run out of things to do. I'm getting paid $XX.00 an hour to sit here and BE. I guess I shouldn't complain but you know I have so much I could be doing at home or errands I could get done. Too bad I can't get paid to do that, then my evenings could actually be about spending time w/my daughter and my A. My boss just told me I'd be handling a couple new projects coming up at the end of May & beginning of June. So that's awaaaaaaaaaays away! In the meantime if you need the latest gossip on what shoes Cameron Diaz could die for.... just let me know. I've got all the scoop!

The guy in the cubicle next to mine...

2007-04-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

... he's new to the position, and as it works here, new to the cubicle area. He talks a lot. Really, a lot. The guy who's training him, he 's not as bad, but he hacks stuff up all the time. Seriously, hacks away every. day. It's a lovely sound. He seems to have cleared whatever it was that was stuck in the depths of his esophagus for the past 6 months, finally. But now we have Mr. Chatty. He's gone on for hours now about the bands he's just seen, is planning on seeing, or hopes he'll see someday in the future if he calls the radio station enough times & wins. J/K about that last part, the radio part. And really, I love bands and seeing live music. It's awesome. Maybe it's not what he's saying but how he's saying it that's grating on me. What I wonder is how he's learning a thing in his training session. I don't think I've heard him say one thing about the actual work he's learning and will have to do all on his own in a week. He's a nice kid, but I sincerely hope his shift starts after mine is over!

Pagha a.k.a - Grandpa (in little grand kid language)

2007-04-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

We're going to the races on Sunday. They're honoring my grandfather who was the "most winningest trainer in history". We'll be up in the Director's Room where we get the "star treatment". Last time we were there I saw stars... Rebecca Romijn w/her BF Jerry O'Connell. My grandmother gives the trophy to the winners and we all go down to the Winner's Circle to have our picture taken. It's kinda embarrassing. All those people are watching. They usually announce something about the family of Mr. Whittingham, but it's just a weird thing. My mom loves it and forces all to go down there every time. It is special though for us to have such awesome memories and so many people to share his life and accomplishments with. He's in the Horse Racing Hall of Fame too. He's a legend in the horse racing business, but if you don't know racing, you'd have no idea who he is. He's all of the grand kid's hero. We all respect him and love him so much. He was just a grandpa to us though, nothing fancy. He sang us Irish jigs and told us jokes and pulled his finger off, how'd he do that? Magic! He was an amazing person, and we miss him. So even though we'll be dragged down to the Winner's Circle against our will, we'll still all be honored to be there to represent our hero, our grandpa, and we'll do it again and again.

Miss you Pagha!

http://horseracing.about.com/library/weekly/aa042199.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Whittingham

The Shift

2007-03-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Things are going along wonderfully right now. I don't know if there was a shift in the universe or a shift in me, or in the seasons, or what exactly shifted, but whatever it was, it shifted and shifted for the better. Our home life has been very smooth (well the puppy still acts up, but we're coping much better with her now), and work is going good (still not my dream job but I'm good at it and it works for now), and my little one and A are getting along much better now. There was a major transition period for all of us that took some time to get thru and sort it out and I don't know why I didn't realize it would be difficult for a time, but that it was only natural and it would eventually pass.... but I get it now. And boy am I glad it's passed!

My bff gave me The Secret for my b-day/x-mas gift (also some books that look very intriguing). I watched it the other night since I got home before A and knew he may not be interested in it (thing is, he was very interested when I started explaining it to him & wants to watch it too). I got it, and the funny thing is, although I'd been in a very negative place for some time now, I recognized most of what they were teaching but you know who from? Jippy, because she has been telling me those very same things about attracting the negative or positive into your life by what you're focusing on. She's had this concept/philosophy down way before it became known as "The Secret". She's so smart!

Anyhow, now that something has shifted for us. Life feels good again. There are still little glitches that we have to deal with on a daily basis but we're dealing and in a good way.

Thanks God, Universe, Great Spirit, and Jippy!

Customer Service

2007-02-22T15:52:00.000-08:00

I was put on hold at least 5 times before anyone even heard my request. I got transferred from person to person to person, and put on hold again for about 15 minutes. When someone (who seemed like they wanted to help me) picked up finally, she said that the credit card person wasn't picking up but she could take down my number. She put me on hold to find a pen. Then someone else picked up and said they "hadn't found any glasses yet". I told her she had the wrong person. I was placed back on hold. Then another someone picked up and asked what I was on hold for, I explained AGAIN and she politley said "okay, hold on" and then hung up on me.

Late, but I've been siiiiickk :(

2007-02-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"
A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned outYour flirting style: lots of listening and talkingWhat turns you off: fighting and conflictWhy you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

Shoot - the picture didn't show up. I'll try to add it later (since I'm already a week behind.... who cares!)

2007-01-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I lied. The inspiration did not show up. No new song. Nothing creative has shown up for me for what seems like the longest time now. It's okay though. I have been focusing on my home life, my daughter, my relationship, and how to get us all on the same wave length. Plus we got a new puppy, Indiana, who's the cutest thing ever but a real rascal as well. She takes a lot of our energy at night. By the time she's calmed down and my girl's settled in bed for the night, A and I have nothing left. That's probably around 9:30 or 10. Then we sit on the couch and watch one of our shows we've Tivo'd, as I dose off somewhere in the middle of it. It takes a lot to run a household and work full time. I just keep saying "it's a work in progress, we're a work in progress".

In the meantime, I have not been out to do a thing in months. It's all about the home life. My girlfriend invited me out to a club to see her man and his band play. I thought maybe, possibly, I'd get a second wind, put the little one to bed, get ready, and show up. But that did not happen. What happened instead was this:

Picked up my girl at my mother's.
Went to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner.
Met A at home.
Chased and tackled puppy around the house w/my daughter's right leg permanently attached to Indiana's teeth, screams and hollers filling the house.
A got the firewood.
More chasing of dog.
Put groceries away.
Clean up of pee on couch, on rug, in hall.
A started the fire.
More screams from little one as dog chases and nips her ankles.
A starts dinner.
Computer time for me & the wee one for her Girl Scout International Day coming soon.
Help w/preparation of dinner.
A battles w/dog who insists on chewing on the sleeve of his jacket hanging up in the dining room.
Little one catches pup in mid pee on rug, commands "Outside!" & takes pup out to pee.
Pup comes in full of fresh energy and fiest.
Pup goes to kitchen.
We 3 humans eat our dinner & watch America's Funniest Home Videos.
Little one goes to bed.
Pup, finally calm, comes out to sleep on couch.
A and I watch the middle portion of "Rome" which I fell asleep in the night before.
Pup, and grown ups to bed by 11:30.

And now, we get to do it all again today.

Wonder how the show was?

Wonder why I don't feel so creative lately...

Hmmm...

An old one... to get me started.

2006-12-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if I told you
I don’t know if you noticed
Did I happen to mention?
I’m an alcoholic
Did you happen to notice?

The liquor tastes thicker
The smoke seeps quicker
Into me by night
My eyes glaze over
My fingers move slower
I dance in the moonlight

I don’t know if I told you
I don’t know if you noticed
Did I happen to mention?
I’m an alcoholic
Did you happen to notice?

Rain on my face
Crowds made of lace
And I lose my sight

I slip into another world
Of feathers and whispers swirled
Carrying me, I no longer fight
Letting it go
Surrender it slow
Take me deep night

I don’t know if I told you
I don’t know if you noticed
Did I happen to mention?
I’m an alcoholic
Did you happen to notice?
Did anyone notice?

Letting it go
Surrender it slow
Take me deep night

Did you happen to notice?

Advice to a friend

2006-12-08T10:44:00.000-08:00

That's a good idea about giving me the cell phone. I think you're right about him not taking action and really I don't think threats of you not being there anymore are going to help him make a decision or take action finally. Hopefully the therapist will help him sort things out over the next couple of months and then maybe down the line he'll be ready for a relationship with you. I wish I could say I thought he was ready now, but he's just not. That sucks about the picture being back up. Sever the ties on Tuesday and don't look back till he comes to you! Know what I mean??? And call me when you feel like calling him or go out and have some fun. Make out with random guys. Oh, you know what helped me when I was pining away for this guy who was throwing a bone here and there but was totally sending me all kinds of mixed messages and I was having a really hard time letting go? Every time I thought of him, of why he hadn't asked me out for the weekend or why he called but then didn't ask me out, or why this or that… I just said to myself "I don't care." I don't care I don't care I don't care. And I know that seems silly and the truth is that I did care but I got really good at stopping myself from obsessing by using that one line and eventually I didn't care. I saw him and he tried to flirt and I walked away laughing thinking, "and to think I once cared! Hmph!"

Australians & Beer Go Good Together

2006-12-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm going out tonight! I haven't been out in ages, not out-out. And with all the stress from moving and fits from my little one and general moods and grumpiness at our new abode, I think a night out is just what I need. My friend got some tix to a show on Indie 103.1, Passport Approved, that features international bands and musicians. Tonight's show is gonna be featuring some Australian peeps...http://www.alexlloyd.com/ & http://www.myspace.com/jamescarrington & http://www.jakecoco.com/ Very cool. I even think I will partake in some libations, a beer or two perhaps. I haven't had any alcohol in what seems like ages because of my frequent, almost everyday migraines. But a good beer and good music .... mmm-mm!

Note to BFF -

2006-11-27T17:07:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed. Got a sorta half ass apology but it just ticked me off more.

I need some whisky!

Blah, blah, blah

2006-11-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

Somebody is insisting that I write something, but I really just don't have anything to say today so if this is dull & tremendously boring, it's not my fault:)

We're going to the Lego store tonight after work to check out what we HAVE TO buy on Black Friday for A's Lego store. For all your Lego purchases right from your very own living room - order here! http://www.bricklink.com/store.asp?p=asc1138 Might as well plug huh?

My girl's being a real pill lately and A's getting majorly frustrated. He came from an Army family and his dad was a pastor and they (A & his younger brother) were disciplined with spankings and a paddle or belt. We on the other hand were never disciplined, maybe yelled at every once in awhile, or we'd get our arm grabbed tight enough to leave a mark but that was really about it. We were pretty good kids but I'm sure we coulda used more rules, boundaries, and punishments than we got. So when it comes to my girl, I do timeouts (which she's now outgrown) and take important things away like TV or play dates. But since the move she's been acting out and I find myself wanting to ring her neck. I know there must be moments when A wishes he had a paddle to use.

She loves A and is glad for the move-in and family feel we all have now, but I also know that even though she's not articulating it, this is scary for her. She now does not have me all to herself and she has 2 grownups telling her what to do all the time. The worst is when I tell her one thing and he tells her another 2 seconds later or sometimes we do it over each other without realizing it and then we don't know what to do. She'll ask a question and we'll both answer at the same time with 2 completely contradicting answers. Who should she listen to? Confusing!

So we're talking now about creating house rules and disciplinary actions so that we can be consistent and remain a strong front. This joint parenting thing is hard. I remember struggling with it w/my Ex. but it's been so long since I've had to consider another persons ideas on how to handle her that I'm kinda at a loss. Hopefully it'll all come together before she's ruling the roost!

Wish us luck on the Lego purchases we make this Friday. And pray we are in front of the lines and not in back:)

I think I'm becoming a bitch & other fun facts about me!

2006-11-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have been just terrible since the move. And by terrible I mean lots of things.

I've felt terrible (have had a migraine about once a day if not twice every day for the past week)
am tired and physically exhausted every. single. day. to the point that by the time I finally get home to enjoy my new place and my loved ones, I can't cuz I'm too damn tired and bitchy
am about to kill our cats for waking us up every. single. night. at least 5 times a night (anyone know any good training/disciplinary actions for cats???)
am griping at A for all kinds of things including him not answering his phone when I wanted to talk to him - lame!
and am going to get tested next week for Celiac Disease - http://www.celiac.com/celiacdisease.html which may be why I have been physically suffering for so long and partly why I have been so exhausted and crabby.

A few other thoughts...

My BFF is amazing me everyday with her writing and the hurtles she manages to leap over all day long every day 24/7. She's talented and a genius and a supermom and a totally in tune human being and a wonderful, insightful best friend. She listens to me gripe about my little inconveniences in my life and doesn't ever yell "Hey dummy! Get a clue! Your life's easy compared to mine!!" You have to check out her blog - http://jippyjabber.blogspot.com/. She tells stories wonderfully and also shares a lot about her life and her son's health battles and achievements.

I've been reading this - http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=Gp4W0m5Acb&isbn=0060956828&itm=1 which is incredibly inspiring. I've even made up my own little grrl genius jingle that I sing to myself when I need the motivation or distraction from the pity party I've been throwing myself lately. The author, Cathryn Michon, has an awesome blog I read daily. Check it out - http://grrlgenius.ivillage.com/love/

K, think that's all I got for now....

Moving, Girls, Hospitals, & Other Chaos

2006-10-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Phew. I am not sure how I survived the weekend. It was crazy but I got so many unexpected gifts amongst the chaos.

A and I were supposed to meet our new landlord to finalize paperwork and give her our deposit so we could start moving in. We never heard from the landlord (turns out she was really sick and not in her office and didn't get any of my panic messages) so our moving was in limbo and incredibly frustrating. So by Friday we were all 3 bumbling around my place grumping at each other and periodically going, "Why haven't they called?" or "We just want to know one way or the other." and " I just can't believe they haven't called." And then we would continue grumping around.

Saturday A decided to go home since it did not look like moving was happening. I took my girl to her dance class and ran some errands. Every time my cell phone rang I did a secret landlord chant to ensure it would be my new landlord calling to tell me we could move in now. It wasn't. Finally I decided after picking up my girlie that I would drop a note by my landlord's brother's house (they own it together and I know him). So I did just that.

My little one had a play date (my smart thinking that if she had a friend over we'd get more moving done because she'd be having fun and maybe we'd even get them to throw some toys in a box or something...) but since we weren't really moving they played and I packed.

At some point I called A and didn't get him. I figured he was busy catching up on his work... Turns out he was deathly ill, well maybe not deathly, but really, really ill! And he hadn't even been able to get to the phone to call me because he was way too busy puking every five minutes. My poor love :( Right as he was about to vomit into the phone, I got an incoming call from the brother landlord! Omigod! I had to take it. So I got off with A and found out that landlord had an illness also but that they left a key in a hiding place and we could start moving in right away! Yea, good news finally!

So I called A back and realized (only after making him gag a number of times by stupidly asking him to give me his pork roast recipe! Duh.) that he was super sick and all alone and no one in his family lives near him and I should offer to go out there. Moments later I'm throwing my girl + friend into the car to drive 45 minutes to his place to buy him Gatorade and toilet paper (don't ask!). On the way I called his mom to let her know 1) Her son's super sick 2) They don't need to come out to help us move since we didn't really get anything ready like we'd hoped. She, being the super mom she is, told me I should try to get him to the Dr. I agreed but I had 2 girls in the car who wanted to have fun and it was already 7PM and the only place we could go was the Urgent Care Center which is like wait & wait & wait & maybe they'll finally see him. But being the loving GF that I am, I did just that. And I blasted Greenday & KidsBop in the car all the way there so the girls would think it was fun, sorta.

We picked up A, who just looked so sad and I wanted to have the magic to fix him and make him all better, and then the music was turned off because as much fun as I wanted the girls to have I also wanted my love to feel good (as good as possible as we bumped and curved and swayed all the way to the Urgent Care Center w/plastic barf bag handy just in case the bumps, curves, & sways prompted its use). The girls were great even though they hadn't eaten yet and they were bored stiff in the waiting room and I kept saying "shush, keep it down girls".

Turned out that A may have had an ulcer or some type of internal bleeding and they wanted him to have blood tests, but guess what. Just to make things more convenient, they couldn't do the test there until Monday and suggested we go to Emergency.

Off we go to Emergency, now 8:30PM and the girls are starving. But as a person who absolutely hates puking and will do all things possible to not puke, I understood that the smell of fast food in the car to the one of ill would not do wonders but instead prompt use of barf bag. No dinner for the munchkins yet.

It took some time to get in just to register and we heard whispers of 4 hour waits. I decided right there that that vending machine selection thru the crowd of sick & injured patients was looking like a pretty good appetizer for two starving 8 year olds.

A apologized so many times for being sick and thanked me just as many times. I actually kinda liked being there for him and was glad to be needed (although him not being sick would have been much nicer).

I finally decided I better leave him there to wait and take the girls to get some food. We drove who knows where to find the fast food part of town and settled on Jack-n-the-Box. I of course had no idea how I got there or how to get back. We kinda got off track until I asked some nice lady where the heck I was and how the heck to get back to the hospital. 1 ultimate cheeseburger, 2 happy & full girls, & 3 u-turns later, we made it back to the hospital. A broke the bad news that yes indeed it would be a 4-6 hour wait and that's where I became brilliant.

I said, "You know I will stay and wait with you if that's what needs to be done, but maybe we should do this instead: leave, pack up some things from your place, go to my house so the girls can play a little before bed and I can be there for you, then wake up first thing in the morning and go to the Methodist Hospital by my house that's so mellow you won't have to wait at all." I got a yes to that and off we went to my house.

Ah, 11PM & home at last. A in bed resting, girls watching Annie in their room, and no key to the new place or packing done! I don't care though because it just feels so good to have a happy kid & to be there for my man.

Sunday morning - we all wake up around 8AM and I call the Methodist Emergency room to find there's no wait at all & to come on down. So off we all go with bed-head and unbrushed teeth and no coffee!!!! to Emergency again. This time he goes right in. I take the girls down to the cafeteria for some breakfast goodies and coffee!!!!! and call A's parents with the update. They are on their way to the hospital to take over so I can get the girls home and maybe even get a few things moved. Then a blessing arrives in the name of my girl's friend's mom who wanted to pick them both up and take them to a harvest festival for the day. Haleluia! Haleluia!

In the meantime I've found out by tracking down the Emergency Dr. that A is not dying and he doesn't have an ulcer but just a virus and they'll give him fluids to get him rehydrated and then he can go home. Yea! And another Haleluia!

So I take the 2 kiddies to the new house, find the hide-a-key, let them run around and check it out, and then run back to my place to get them ready. Off they went to the festival and I sat down for the first time in what seemed like days.

Now what? I wondered as I was all alone staring at houseful of crap that needed to be packed and was not needed by anyone for a few hours. Ugh, I didn't know what to do with myself. I turned into a lump of mush and veged for about 15 minutes at least until I finally decided I better get some shit done! So I rushed around the house cleaning, packing, organizing. I called A's mom for updates, called A to check on him, and went on with all my busy work.

When the 3 of them came back from Emergency I had a small pile of packed boxes to take over to the new place. A went to sleep and me and his dear parents loaded their truck with my crap and moved it in. They left right after to get on the road.

I went back to check on A, my little one returned home, and it was time to make dinner. A's appetite finally returned slightly so we made dinner together (he didn't gag or puke once during dinner prep - good sign!) And we sat down to eat.. all 3 of us. Chaos over.

Phew!

Discoveries!

2006-10-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

I made a discovery with the help of my new friend I met on the sidewalk as I was walking to lunch. Here it is: I'm a HOT MOM! I am not self professing this because I would NEVER, but it was lovely to hear.

As I was walking up the sidewalk towards Noah's Bagel to get some soup because I woke up feeling like shinola and figured soup would help, I was stopped by a woman saying, "Are you proud to be a mom?" I replied, "uh, yes." And she handed me a card and told me about the new show she's recruiting for called "Hottest Mom in America". She was a scout and turns out she thought I looked like I would be a good contestant for their new reality show based on a mom who happens to be hot, but isn't a model type; she's a real woman. So I have the card and might just show up for the Hot Mom audition.

The important thing (whether I audition or not) is that it made me see myself in a different light, from a stranger's point of view... and that stranger saw me not as attractive, or pretty, or cute, but HOT! It felt good!

Most of the time I feel run down from being a single parent and working a full time job. I spend most of my time doing for others and rarely get to do for myself. So I walk around this world in a daze thinking of how I can do more or be a better mom or girlfriend or employee, and I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself anymore. So although being recognized as "hot" is not the most important thing in my life and doesn't register real high on my priorities, it was a very pleasant and flattering experience. And I needed to hear it. All of us moms do, I believe. It's too easy to get lost in all the responsibilities we have and the different hats we wear. A little reminder that we've still got it going on can go a long way:)

So to all my moms out there, from one hot mom to another, "YOU'RE HOT! So Celebrate it!" I know I am!!

The Light!

2006-10-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

I finally see it. The light that is. It shown bright and full and powerful into my life after one of the most difficult weekends I've ever had to suffer through.

A and I were not having much luck pulling out of our rough patch. Seems that I have a recurring hankering to unleash on him oh, lets say at least once a month. And so this last time I did he was pretty sick of the ole drama queen routine. And of course I had my points that were valid, but I handled them in my usual unexpected outburst of emotions and anger that anyone would most definitely have a problem with. So A made a stand saying that he needed a break from me and us and he wasn't sure how long, he didn't want to break-up or date other people but he did need some time to think and get a little clarity. I said okay, reluctantly, knowing that it was not my choice this time. Funny how when it's the other person needing the break and questioning whether you're worth all the trouble, you find yourself lost and sad and mad at yourself for being such a pain in the arse!

So I did all I could on the surface to be cool with the weekend apart while inside I completely died. My heart broke. I cried every night and sometimes during the day when things felt really bad. I made myself busy to distract and to keep from dwelling and shuffling around in a depression all weekend. The distracting only helped for the exact amount of time I was able to keep my mind off things. And even then he would pop into my mind and I would have to keep myself from breaking into tears in the middle of thousands of people at The Totally 80's concert or at the restaurant I met friends at for dinner or the dive bar I went to to keep myself out as late as possible to avoid being home alone. And then as soon as I was alone I was crying and hurting and calling my best guy friend to get some strength and hope.

Thank god for him! George was all I had holding me up all weekend. He reminded me of the good things - that A loves me and chooses to be with me and is so committed to me. That he just needs a chance to be away so that he can come back stronger knowing he wants to be with me and that our relationship is worth the working/struggling/sticking to it. I called George every moment I felt the sadness or doubt or fear creep in. He was my angel.

A checked in a couple times but our conversations were short and distant. I agreed and laughed and small talked and pretended I was cool with it all, and when the phone clicked off I drooped into a pool of my own tears.

But the fear of losing him made me stop - no more complaining, griping, and general negativity. I did a 180. I took all those negative thoughts and fears that were sabotaging what we had and turned them off. And I started instead to pray for help, to think of all the reasons I love him, to build trust and faith where I had none. It was not easy. I beat myself up in this process of fighting the old sound track my mind plays and creating a new healthy one. I made mistakes but I always kept my cool when communicating with A.

When the weekend was over we talked about how hard it was for BOTH of us. It seems that I was not the only one struggling. He told me that he thought of me a lot and even kept himself from calling me throughout the day when he wanted to talk to me and that he would be out doing his own thing wishing that I was there and wanting to share it with me. And I told him that the time away made me see how much I appreciate him and what was important and that I knew I needed to change and I would do whatever it took. He reciprocated the same feelings back to me.

Since that weekend, we have been doing wonderfully. I have not let the negativity and fear take hold. I've brisked it away and replaced it with the positive things we have together. And guess what! It's working. I feel good. I feel like my life is coming together. I feel in love and butterflies in my tummy. I feel hopeful and that my faith in men, in relationships, in love is being rebuilt piece by piece and is going to be stronger than ever for it.

Oh and I must not forget the cherry on top! We are moving in together. Yes, you read right. We found a house the week before I went to NC. It's in our price range, it's big enough (and then some) for the 3 of us, it has a backyard, and we all LOVE it! Plus it's one door down from where I live now. Perfect! We couldn't have found a better place. And we are moving in on Nov. 1st!

Our weekend struggle confirmed our love for each other and took us to the next step in our journey through life together. And I can't wait to see where this takes us:)

I saw the light. I'm back, and it feels good.

Some of My Lyrics...

2006-09-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

it's a long, long way between you and me
the gap between you and me
it's a far, far cry from being free
the bond between you and me
it's a strong, strong tie that they see
the look between you and me

but when it's all said and done
there's nothing to see
the spectacle lost it's appeal
the curtains came down on me

and it's a hard, hard find, the dream that I see
the life between you and me
it's a sad, sad tale that they take from me
the song between you and me

it's a fine, fine time to make believe
the love between you and me

but when it's all said and done
there's nothing to see
the spectacle lost it's appeal
the curtains came down on me
but the show must go on
so you smile at me
places are taken on stage
the lights fade up, come see
cause it's only me, it's only me
it's only me, it's only me.

LoLo

The Change

2006-09-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

There's been a sudden and delightful change in the weather here in Southern California. It went from 100+ degree temperatures, bright & sunny all day long, and light from 7am to 9pm, to about 70 degrees, partly cloudy, foggy in the mornings, and dark at 6pm. There's a cool breeze now; a sweater is needed. I welcome this weather. So. Cal has so little weather. It's pretty much sunny and hot most of the year, which is nice if you can spend everyday laying out at the beach, but even then I prefer seasons. That's one thing I miss about NC, the change of seasons. I look forward to the fall wardrobe of boots, sweaters, hats... and to the change in activities to football games, movies in front of the fireplace, trips to the pumpkin patch, the leaves changing colors and floating down to be raked up into piles for leaping into, and schoolkids walking in crosswalks with packbacks & lunchboxes, oh so ready to learn.

Yes, school is back in session.

I spent $300 dineros at Walmart on school supplies, lunchbox goodies, and a new fall wardrobe for my cutie pie. It's not a lot of money in the big scheme of things, but it is still $300 dollars that I now don't have. It's worth it though, to see her dressed for her new and exciting 3rd grade class. And did I mention how awesome her teacher is, Ms. Snow? I mean how could you go wrong with a Ms. Snow?! She's lived in our little Mayberry town for years and years, a local. She's sweet yet stern, and when she looks at you she smiles and looks you in the eye with a mixture of I'm the boss, but I care deeply about your child and welcome her to my wonderful world of learning. She's just so perfect & exactly the kind of person we both interact with so well.

My little one's 3rd grade endeavor is off to a fabulous start and seems to be a pleasant change for both of us. Summer was nice, but since I worked all of it with no playtime, it was less than relaxing for me. The past 2 months have been a bit lax w/no real schedule or structure in place. And now, we have one - an evening routine, a bedtime, a wake-up time, a morning routine.... oh so lovely to have a little structure:)

I am so looking forward to the days we have together this fall! Change is good;)

A Few Things...

2006-08-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking lately and not writing like I usually do, so here's a few of the things going on...

I went to Disneyland with A, my little one, and A's parents for his step dad's birthday. It was awesome! We went on Pirates twice, Thunder Mountain twice (my girl's favorite), the Haunted House, Space Mountain, and over in CA. Adventure we went on Ca. Screamin, and Soarin Over Ca. We also ate at the restaurant inside of Pirates which was very special. I've dreamed of eating there since I was a little girl and finally got to go!

I have been recuperating ever since. For some reason waking up at 6AM on Sat. and being up till 1:30 AM Sun. morning threw me all off. I have been achy and exhausted ever since. I'm hoping that the new Aryevedic vitamins I got today (recommended to me by my friend & expert herbologist, massage therapist, & aromatherapist Heather - see http://morninggloryessentials.com ) will help get my energy back up. It took 2 days for my calves to stop hurting from walking and standing in lines all day long. But it was worth it:)

I've been incredibly crabby and irratable since Saturday's all day Mickey Mouse adventure. I don't know if it was just the fatigue or what but I have been on edge, grumpy, and impatient for the last few days. And it's not even PMS time. The only thing I did to try and excuse myself for the terrible mood I was in was to at least fess up to my girl that I was crabby and tired in hopes that she'd let my snippy remarks and impatient attitude slide. She did. The little darling.

I had therapy with the Ex. and it was long and drawn out and all about the friggin cell phone I purchased for our daughter that he never agreed to and I let her use it and it ended up at his house and was somehow accidently lost. By the end of it I was getting pretty upset especially when I asked him to pay for part of the last few months it'd been "misplaced" & he started talking about how they pay for her Dr. visits and healthcare and they never gripe or ask for money from me. That's right because I went 5 years without getting a dime from him for child support or any expenses which consisted of preschool, doctor and dentist visits, clothes, baby sitters, and anything and everything that children require! I lost it in the session and said I couldn't listen to him anymore, and why was he bringing up all the things they pay for? What's his point exactly because if it's that the financial responsibilities have not been fair over the past year, then I'd like to say how un-fair they have been for the 5 years prior to this past year! And how I have paid for everything and had to beg my parents for money to pay my utilies or to even buy groceries! Okay - a little venting here... but then our time was up and we didn't really resolve anything, except he did finally say he'd pay half of the cell phone bill and would make a point to look for it. Fancy that.

This morning when I dropped my cutie off at her dad's apartment, he met us in the driveway with the cell phone in hand. Hmm... funny how it suddenly wasn't so hard to locate after all.

Today I am getting ticked off at A for no real apparent reason. And I did mention that it's NOT PMS time right? Well last week we had a good talk about some of our issues that haven't really been settled yet, and it went really well. Then we just went on with our lives as usual and suddenly today "as usual" is not enough. Our talk went well and I think we both left feeling like we'd accomplished something and we'd been proactive & constructive in our resolving techniques. So why am I disgruntled again and why isn't normal okay with me? I've been in relationships full of passion, but also full of drama, and the bad kind. Do I just miss the drama, and is the drama what created the intensity and therefore the passion?

I had weird dreams last night, my boss was in it, at some point A was in it, it turned sexual but I'm not sure with who. I'm sure it must have been A because I definitely admire my boss but definitely don't feel anything in the sexual way towards him (I mean he's married and he's like a big brother or cousin or something). Then there's some fuzzy parts in the dream & it seemed to have gone awry and I woke up with a feeling of confusion and dis-satisfaction.

One last thing - and hopefully a good thing (I'll have to let you know next week)... A and I are going on our weekend trip to Cambria Friday. Check it out - http://www.seaviewonburton.com/index.html I'm sooooo excited! Our first real adult weekend away! Woohoo!

I'll return next week hopefully with less crabbiness and some good stories on our "relaxed, wine and strawberries waiting for us in the bedroom, indulgent, no kids or family members" weekend. I said some stories - meaning I'll edit out the really good ones:)

LoLo

Giggle Fits

2006-08-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

My little one came home last night after being on a trip with her dad for 10 days. I wanted to make sure we had some good quality time together before bedtime so we decided to continue playing the ongoing game of War we started over a month ago and never seem to finish.

We started to get a little silly and a little giggly as the game went on until at some point I had a mouth mishap when trying to tell her about my visit with one of our close friends and her little 6 mo. old boy. My words jumbled up and scattered out of my mouth in an odd array that did not make much sense at all. We both looked at each other for a second and then cracked up!

After that she tried to imitate my word scramble and couldn't get thru the first line without us both busting up, until eventually we were both rolling on the bed in fits of laughter. This lasted at least 30 minutes and I laughed so hard I cried.

It was wonderful!

I've had a pretty rough year. 2006 started off with a health scare, followed up by a surgery, a terrible birthday, a custody battle, and a whole lot of daily struggling just about every day in between.

I haven't laughed in... I don't even know how long.

So now I'm going to make sure that the rest of this year is full of silliness and giggle fits....

.... because the world magically looks much better today.

Another One...

2006-08-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

Another Monday Day today - damn.

I am still trying to maintain somewhat of a sense of humor regardless. I emailed the following to my coworker in response to our boss' email entitled "Good news, Bad news"...

"Good news is we're having a keg party today at 3:30 and won't be here to care what happens with any of this.
Bad news is we'll be hungover & will need to sleep all day tomorrow so Chris will be handling all our work, please no phone calls; ringers will be turned off."

It gave my friend a good laugh, oh and Chris is our other project manager that decided he was slow so he'd leave at noon today. I figure he can cover for us tomorrow since we'll be busy recuperating and he'll be so rested from his full afternoon off.

Only problem with this is that there is no keg party.

A Monday Day

2006-08-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have this thing I like to call my bad days - "A Monday Day". And yesterday was one of those days. It did also happen to be an actual Monday but even if it weren't it'd still be A Monday Day as they can be any day of the week Sat-Sun as long as one or more of the following descriptions fits the ______ day:

a nothing goes right day, an I want to crawl back into bed day, a don't bother me today day, a hurry up and be over day, an if you look at me wrong I might cry day, a do-over day.

Anyone know what I'm talking about? Ever have one of those days?

And why was it A Monday Day you ask? See below reasons:

The alarm went off - I snoozed till I only had 30 minutes left to get ready (first sign I shoulda never gotten up)
I called work to make sure my shipment was going out as scheduled at 9AM - it wasn't and wouldn't be ready till late in the afternoon and they told the client's driver to come back later - a 2 hour drive if there's traffic)
Message on work voicemail - "My driver says he was sent away and that our shipment was not ready for pickup as discussed per yesterdays phone conversation. Call me ASAP w/an ETA on when it will be ready."
Investigation of said shipment not being ready - email nobody bothered to send to me saying their was a power failure on the machine I needed for my work to get done and the supervisor said it could wait till the morning (forwarded email to me by morning operator when asked what the hell happened?!!)
Physical discomfort - aching body accompanied w/multiple sneezes... getting sick!!!!
Apology from supervisor for the no phone call I specifically requested if anything went wrong with my order - "Oh, my bad."
Loads of emails and more work requests in from clients - papers piling up on desk burying me somewhere underneath as phone rings off hook (don't answer as I still don't have an ETA as aforementioned patience-challenged client requested.
Work is done and shipment ready - Double checked work was done correctly only to find out no it wasn't, re-email instructions everyone seemed to ignore thus far, pull package from shipping, wait for confirmation work was re-done according to instructions, & re-check to confirm it was.
Work is now really done and done correctly - need glass of wine and full body massage.
Email client the shipment is on it's way - suck it up, apologize for delay, sound like total lier w/"power failure" excuse, and hope all credibilty is not shot w/new client.
Take breath and think of wine/massage fantasy - rude reminder as I look at clock that I still have 3 more hours to go!
One redeeming event on my Monday Day - My One and Only came home, made me dinner, and rubbed my back as we watched movies on the couch till I fell fast asleep:)

The Wife Thing

2006-08-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where or how this started...

I've known for a few years now that I wanted to get re-married some day, but I wasn't with a person where that was an actual possibilty, so it sort of got tucked into a small dark compartment somewhere far, far away and incredibly hard to access - until now.

There's been talk and it's been mostly him doing the talking...

when his grandmother said she liked me and that I was the best woman he's ever been with, he announced to her (and all bystanders) that he's going to marry me
when out with his parents one day he brought up that he wants our wedding to be intimate & wants to spend the money on a spectacular dinner and Dom Perignon rather than on a lot of extra guests
when he told me to look in my fashion magazine at an engagement ring advertisement to see if I liked that style
when we discussed our plan for the next year or so which consists of him getting a substantial raise, us moving in together when his lease is up, the saving of my paychecks for the downpayment on our house, getting married, having kids, and me quitting work to stay home with my little one and our new bundle.

So it's been discussed, and it is something that we both want. And even though there is no ring yet, and our plan is not actually happening yet, I have been secretly looking at this http://theknot.com/ and these http://weddings.theknot.com/weddingdress/bs_main.aspx?gowntype=1 and this http://www.bluenile.com/diamond_search.asp?track=dss&filter_id=8 and marking dresses, hairstyles, rings, and cakes as "saved to my notebook". I get emails about new wedding favors, and the newest styles of invitations, and bridesmaids' gift suggestions that I read and save in my personal email folder for future ideas. It's all coming back to me.

And here's the thing... I can finally dream!

It's been a very long time for my heart to even allow itself those long lost feelings of forever, of future, of home, family, and love. It is a wonderful feeling that I didn't realize I had missed so much.

I used to dream of doing "the wife thing" and somehow that dream got lost.

It is so nice to have it back!

My One and Only

2006-07-28T17:57:00.001-07:00

(From this post on, all posts are present, as previous posts were written last week due to the fact that my blogspot was not yet set up)

Last night I finally told A about my bad dream (see http://lolosloft.blogspot.com/2006/07/dreams-angst.html and told him about some of my doubts and fears. He listened and also apologized for being preoccupied that day I tried to tell him about the work problem I found (which I explained as being one of the few causes of my infidelity nightmare). I kept reiterating my reasons behind my untrusting attitude, and he kept restating his beliefs until I finally relented, seeing that I had no reason to be skeptical or suspicious of my one and only. And then I started to get that not all men are unfaithful and dishonest, and not all people are shifty, shady, and untrustworthy... contrary to what I may have experienced in my 30 + years.

I found a man who has integrity. He's honest and loyal and full of virtues. Kudos to his parents for teaching him morals and goodness and to him for applying those admirable qualities to his every day life.

I now feel like I can let go of the issue altogether, and I know that my daughter & I will learn so much from this person, who is so wonderful, I don't think there's an English word that desciribes him or does him justice.

So with that said, I'd say he's.....

........all that and a bag of chips:)

Insert BIG foot into mouth & shove down throat & maybe if you're lucky you'll croak so no-one will care about what you said anyhow...

2006-07-28T16:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever sent something via email to someone who you had no intention of sending that particular group of thoughts & words to and had the total panic attack that therefore ensues?

Tell me about it, cuz I just did that exact thing and my misery needs company.

The Fiend

2006-07-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

Boy, relationships are tough. When things go down hill, it's really hard to switch back to the uphill climb you were on just days before. I guess I'll know if we make it through this "rough patch", as A called it, then we will be okay for all the rest of the ups & downs to come.

Today has definitely been a steady decline (although we did have a really good and practical talk last night about money, and down time, and little girl & single mom packages). But remembering now that my one and only referred to this as a "rough patch" and that "every couple has them from time to time", makes me feel much better about the downhill slump we're currently in.

I do tend to have a very fatalistic outlook when the slightest little bump presents itself in my life. I instantly became afraid and want to stomp out the bump and when it won't flatten back out immediately I panic and everything gets bigger and worse. So that little bump is now a gigantic mountain of a problem.

Way to go LoLo. Nice work on smoothing things over. Calm, cool, and collected - that's me.

Maybe this has something to do with my need to be an actress. I should start taking classes again if not to be the star I once dreamed of, to at least have an outlet for this irrational, over-reacting, drama queen inside me. Then maybe my relationship won't be at the mercy of this uncontrollable sabotaging fiend.

The 'F' Word

2006-07-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up with puffy eyes today. Not from last night's crying jag but from the night before's. I got upset with A and ended up letting all these pent up feelings on neglect and sadness spew out. It was tough and he really was caught off guard and not sure what to do with me and all my emotions. It was good and bad. We didn't resolve anything that night and I cried myself to sleep on the couch mad, hurt, and confused. But we did talk more calmly w/less tears the next day. I think he understands why I was feeling neglected & unloved as of late and vowed to work on it. He mostly blamed it on the heat, the unbearable and relentless heat making him not want to touch anyone and feeling cranky & definitely not "in the mood". So I guess it's good that it's not me that he is un-in-love with, but the weather.

Global Warming is ruining my sex life!

Well, that is part of the problem in my relationship. But the other part is apparently me. What, you knew that already? He-he… I knew it too, I just wasn't sure what in me it was exactly. So I think I'm starting to get it & some of it I've known for some time but lacked the tools to change myself, and some of it is sort of a new concept for me that I'm trying to grasp.

Through my therapy (that I happen to be in with my Ex. to try to repair our relationship for our daughter's sake) it has been brought to my attention that 1) Men don't respond well to emotional women. 2) I may be more emotional than other people on the planet. 3) I may improve my communication and relationships w/others if I learn how to "jar" my emotions until in an appropriate environment or I'm with an appropriate person (a.k.a - friend) to share them. 4) It's okay to be sensitive (even a good asset) and there is nothing wrong with my feelings or with me, I just need better tools to help me... control, no… set them aside to help me get what I want in my life.

Wow, really? You mean there were tools all along and all those years of previous therapy nobody taught them to me? Shit. Alright then. Let's get started before I sabotage this new relationship with all my f-f-f-feeeeeeelinnnggssss…..

Errrr!

Gonna Stick?

2006-07-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'm having a real rough time these days. I am, on the one hand, a totally giving and loving partner, and I enjoy doing above and beyond what's expected for my one and only. On the other hand I am presently feeling taken for granted, under appreciated, and not as loved as I want to be. I'm torn lately on what to do about this…

If I'm naturally affectionate and free and I love unconditionally, then those are good things right? But when your partner is not naturally free and affectionate and doesn't show his love for you often or a lot, then what do you do? Does that mean you're not a good match? I have always subscribed to the idea that you can't change people. They are who they are and they don't want to change and when you try to force them things go sour. I've fallen for this person who has also fallen for me, and the closer we get and the more we learn about each other, the more apparent it is that we love differently. And I find myself feeling neglected and sad and think that I may have a lifetime of this and don't know if I can handle it.

Thoughts that cross my mind these days:
- I should just get busy and take time for myself & away from him, stop doing so many nice things even if it is normal for me.
- If I pull away maybe he will realize how special I am, and worry that he may lose me, and in return put more effort into meeting my needs.
- I can handle this. He loves me and he shows it by wanting to be with me (even if he doesn't say it), and by caring for my little girl so much and including her in everything he plans, and by taking us to Disneyland, Legoland, the family fun center, and all of his family functions.
- If I love myself enough and feel like I'm worth his love and I'm confident in what we have together, then I shouldn't feel neglected or un-loved.
- If I do feel neglected and unloved, is that because I have some deep rooted issues and low self esteem (in which case I need help), or is it because he is lacking the feelings for me (in which case I should end it)?

Today I feel bad because I did so much for him for his birthday (see yesterday's list) and he was thankful and appreciative but not really thrilled like I had wished. And the co-worker friend of ours (that I had the nightmare about in previous post) went to a special comic convention yesterday and found this really rare and valuable collector's item that A really wanted. She brought it into work today and he's beyond thrilled. Instead of me being excited for him, I feel bad. I feel like the things I got or have planned for him are not as great to him as this item.

Now, before she went to the convention, we talked about the things he wanted that she was going to look for and decided that if she finds any of the things on his list, that she'll get it for me to give to him. Then last minute he told her to scrap all the things on his list and just try to get one of these collectable items for him. So she did, she won a raffle for one of the 50 they were raffling off & paid for it, and got it for him from her. I don't think it would have mattered, even if she would have gotten it for him and then I paid her back and put my name on it. He still would have known that she went to the convention and did all the leg work, so me putting my name on it would have been kinda silly. But I guess it might have made me feel better, that I wasn't out presented.

What can you do?

All of this is a conundrum that I don’t have the will to figure out today. The thing is that I have been with other men who were so good at expressing themselves. They adored me, lusted after me, couldn't keep their hands off of me because they were so obsessed and into me. Even with all that, they were the ones who came in w/a flash and left w/my heart in their hands. They were good at sharing their thoughts and feelings for me, but they were quick to lose them as well and immediately redirected them to some other girl making me see that their so called "feelings" were not really true. So my one and only is the opposite... He's slow to react, slow to give unconditionally, cautious in revealing his desires, but stable and loyal in his commitment to me.

Am I just stuck in a rut of thinking that the former way is the right way even if it was fleeting? And that I should be thinking that his way is the lasting way, the way it is when it's gonna stick, the true way? If that's the case, I wonder how I'm to re-learn what being loved really is…. Hmmmmm.

Spoil Them!

2006-07-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

(written on the 20th)

Today's A's birthday - 32! He's younger than me by 2 years but shhhhh… don't tell anyone.

It is a difficult birthday for him because his father died when he was 32. I have been told that he most likely feels he won't make it past 32 since his dad didn't. So there are a lot of mixed emotions for him surrounding this age. He has me and my little one in his life now, and we love to celebrate our loved ones' birthdays and special occasions. We've done "our thing" to make it special for him this year. I'm not sure how he will feel or react to all the little things we have planned since it will be a bitter sweet birthday for him. But we've done our best to help him feel loved and supported. This may not be able to take away the weight and significance of this birthday, but I think he'll know he's loved, supported, and that we're here for him unconditionally.

Here's a list of all the little things we have planned for A -

Presents tonight!

1lb. box of See's Candie (all his favorites)
measuring spoon from William Sonoma (it is one spoon that you slide back a lever to the measurement you need, it has odd one's too like 1 1/2 tsp., 2 T., etc)
lazy susan (for all his special secret sauce ingredients that are all over the counter)
tray for carrying dinner and drinks to the coffee table in one trip
european style cookies and hazelnut chocolates (he was born in Germany so he loves this kind of stuff)
special homemade coupons (foot massage, breakfast in bed, movie of his choice, hugs & kisses 24/7)
reservations at a vacation home in Cambria for labor day weekend!!

Dinner tonight!

@Lucky Baldwin's pub (good food and excellent beer!) http://www.luckybaldwins.com/deliriumcafe.html
his parents are meeting us there to surprise him and bring the cake - mmmmm…. Tiramisu!!
candles, plates, napkins & balloons

Present tomorrow night!

Lego Scout Action Walker from Star Wars (new release! And we're decorating the wrapping paper ourselves - fun!) http://shop.lego.com/product.asp?p=10174

Dinner tomorrow night!

Café Mundial in Monrovia (crème brulee & chocolate soufflé for dessert : P) http://www.cafemundial.net/

So now you know that I completely spoil the ones I love.

Time to Go

2006-07-27T17:03:00.000-07:00

My Great Aunt Barbara passed away this morning. She was a wonderful woman, always so kind and caring towards us whippersnappers running amuck around her when we were little. She had suffered a pretty big stroke about 10 years back but recovered nicely and was able to get along pretty well. She had her husband's help, Uncle Lou, who was her biggest fan. Such a devoted and loving man, who was a great influence on the young men in our family. He passed away a couple years ago. She's been able to care for herself since then, but I can't help but wonder about that thing they say...

When one goes, the other goes shortly after because living without that love is not quite living and missing them is too hard to take.

I know I should be thinking that it's her time to go and she's going to a better place and all that. She had a full life with kids and grandkids and a terrific southern social life in NC consisting of church and ball games and picnics and bar-be-ques with friends and family - a fulfilled life. But I am more of the selfish type that just wants all my peeps to be here forever. I know she's better off because this last stroke left her incapable and unconscious. Yet, I still turn into a little child who just wants what she wants regardless of what's best or what's reality.

I think about her children, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, neices, nephews, and all the many loved ones travelling from various places across the country to take care of the funeral arrangements and to be there for one another. How devastated they must be to lose someone who enriched their lives so much. I wish I could be there to hold their hands and give them hugs and be a part of celebrating her life and of saying good bye.

She was a special lady. She had a big heart. She found joy in the little things in life and it showed in her eyes and in her smile. I know we will all miss her presence, her warmness, and her being.

We'll miss you Aunt Barbara!

I hope my hugs and kisses reach all you who need them - xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!

LoLo

The Happy

2006-07-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw something pretty cool at the Rose Bowl.

Kids with their parents exercising!

There were the usual office women walking and gossiping together, the cyclists whizzing past me as I struggled to make it around the first turn on foot, the skinny fit fanatics soaring past me as if they had wings, the thin & chubby couples catching each other up on their workdays, and then there were these wonderful dad & son duos, moms & sons, moms & daughters, fathers & daughters too, and couples with strollers with wee babies along for the ride.

I have to say for someone who has struggled to get out and get active and has gotten a bit pessimistic w/life as of late. It was nice to be reminded of the happy out there, the simple pleasures like people spending quality time together, people including their loved ones in their activities, parents teaching their childrn the importance of choosing a certain quality of life... It was a relief for me to get a bit of optimism sprinkled into my day.

And suddenly I was smiling and feeling good about the prospects in my life and the future of our world as I rounded the last bend of the Rose Bowl.

Dreams & Angst

2006-07-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

So the monster reared it's ugly head again, this morning about 6:30 am. The doubting, skeptical, paranoia appeared in the form of a dream - a terrible, awful, scary dream. And the worst part in the dream is that I knew, my very observant and highly aware intuition told me that he was about to cheat if he hadn't already (in my dream of course). And when I saw him at work in said dream and mentioned something casually to him about my suspicians, the most telling look of guilt came over his face. He mumbled something defensive and left. He WALKED AWAY after pretty much confirming my worst fears! And then I was at a loss, didn't know if I should fall into a puddle of my own tears completley devastated and defeated, or run after him yelling obscenities, or go and confront her. Panic, abandonment, anger, fear, raced through me at different intervals in lightening speed, completely confusing me.

I ran out to the parking lot to leave, just get out as fast as possible (regardless of the fact that I was at work and was running away in the middle of the day w/no explanation, all obligations to work thrown to the wind) and she was in the parking lot in her car. I tried to just go, walk past her to my car and leave, no scenes needed today, just get to the car. Straight. To. Car. Do. Not. Pass. Go. But she got out of her car, came up to me, and began chit chatting at this pivotal point in my exit plan. I was trying to save face! It finally dawned on her that I was upset, so I burst out "Tell me what exactly happened!" She had the same guilty expression that he had and she immediately went into how nothing had happened and they were just working so much but she could see how I would think something happened.

Just as I was beginning to believe her and realize that I had overreacted she confessed to going out to drinks one night with him while they were supposedly working. It all flashed before me. It was true; he had fallen for her and although they had not acted on their feelings and been together physically yet, it was on the brink of coming to fruition. My intuition was right. It got me again. It always knows.

So I totally freaked on her. I yelled at her and shoved her with all my might (total scene in the parking lot like I was hoping to avoid). She fell hard, as did I, flat on my face. My keys went flying out of my hand and onto the pavement in front of me. I looked at them and reached for them, but they were... just.. out..... of reach....

dream interpreters say "keys" symbolize the following:

"to be out of control or lack the means of access. It may symbolize that you feel unable to acquire what is needed to complete a task or obtain access to persons or knowledge."

http://health.ivillage.com/sleep/0,,8fb96nnw,00.html?ice=iv,mp,st,pl4

sounds about right to me...

So I lay there on the pavement and I paused, everything paused all around me, and I tought "what am I doing? Is my life as I've known it ruined forever? Gone? All the future plans with this person erased? Is there something I should have done to make this not happen? Can I take back knowing and just go back to the way things were an hour before?" And then I looked at this microscopic ant on the asphalt under my nose, and.... I woke up.

Now - this is what sucked. I woke up angry and hurt and upset and cheated on, even though it was just a dream. I still felt so wronged. And I couldn't believe my one and only could do that to me and one of my closest friends could betray me that way. How dare they?! But wait, it was a dream. He didn't really do anything and she didn't do anythng with him, and crap! That was the WORST!

So I cuddled up next to him in bed and wanted to melt into him. He woke up for a second and asked if I was okay. I told him I'd had a really awful dream and that he was super BAD in it and it seemed so real. He rubbed my back for a few minutes and then fell back to sleep. Later he told me that he hadn't "done anything wrong in real life, it's okay, just a dream, and I've been good so don't worry so much." I said, "I know" and left for work.

After some thought... (and I knowI'm obsessing here) what I think created some of this (besides the Ex. I mentioned yesterday) is that when I walked in to talk to the 2 of them yesterday, he didn't listen. I had found a problem and I was trying to bring it to their attention. I even tried again later to tell him that I'd caught a potential problem and what I thought may have caused it. But he still kinda blew it off.

The funny thing is when I got there this morning there was an email from A stating the exact same problem I was trying to get him to see yesterday. He explains it all as if he'd figured it out "Ah-ha! This is what happened!" The good thing is that she responded saying "Yes, that is exactly what LoLo was trying to tell you yesterday over and over again. Smart girl that she is. So you should have listened." (actually I don't think she said that last part about listening but it was implied for sure.) See - she's got my back.

And the dream, I conclude, after thinking it over all morning instead of focusing on my work, was a direct effect of feeling unheard and neglected, shunned, ignored, and un-important. I know it wasn't intentional; he was busy trying to get this project off the ground and determined to keep moving forward. Hearing about a potential wrench in the progress was not what he wanted to hear. But nevertheless, it caused me some angst....

But telling him about all this may just cause more - one of those endless banters we have that neither one of use ever wins - and that is not something I feel like partaking in tonight.

Plus we have a concert to go to!

Paranoia

2006-07-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

Is there a reason why I get all tore up inside when I see my BF sitting next to a female co-worker who I'm friends with and is married and I shouldn't worry about either one of them but I do anyhow? I don't know why my imagination goes all wild and cooks up these scenarios of foot rubbing under office chairs and subtle but strong feelings being subdued until they burst out in work bays tucked far enough around the corner to allow some cheating privacy.

Am I out of my mind? Have I been reading too many celebrity gossip columns and watching too much smut TV that it's actually making me suspicious of my one and only? Maybe so, or maybe it's just that I've seen it first hand, on both sides, so I know how easy it can happen. It could also possibly be that I was with a man for 6 & 1/2 years who flirted and crossed the line and may have cheated, most likely did, and made me not trust him and that that is what has me doubting my current wonderful beau. But how to change old thought patterns? How to trust after being dissed, dogged, disenchanted by love? I'd like to NOT be suspicious and NOT let my imagination get the best of me, but somehow it sneaks up on me regardless.

Here's an example:

I walked in to talk to A (also known as my one and only) and the female co-worker (they're working on a project together right now) about an issue on their project. He was sitting at his monitor and she was sitting very close to him with her sheet of paper to check off. I just saw her foot lightly touching his jeans and it made me so, so uncomfortable. We all work very closely like this here so it is not an unusual sight to walk in on. But I'm not used to seeing my BF in such close quarters w/another woman. And YES she can be flirty, but NO I do not think she'd do that to me, and NO he is not the cheating type, and YES he is very loyal to me. He doesn't even go out drinking with the boys or make plans that don't include me or look at other girls as they walk by or any of that paranoia creating BS. He loves me and treats with with kindness and respect.

So I should get over my skepticism, yes?

Yes.

Now! Now! Now!

2006-07-26T22:40:00.001-07:00

I'm so blah and want to have a vacation today, right this minute, need at least 10 days off, starting now. I only have 5 hours of pto so I can't get too far with that. And in order to build up enough for NC in Oct. I can't take any more days off.... I'm actually gonna be short (after calculating my 4 measly hours every pay period from now until Oct.) Even if I don't take a day off until then - I will only have 29 hours. Short by 11 hours. How lame is that?!

I am not in a very good mood today either. I don't know why. I think I just really need some time off and feel overwhelmed, stressed out, tired, and at a loss of enthusiasm for my work and all things daily & tedious. In order to break up the monotony & bah-humbugness of today, I think I'll go at lunch to the 99cent store to get wrapping stuff for A's b-day presents, and go to the mall to get the Lego set for him... get it all taken care of before tomorrow night & check on the cats. (You'd think I'd be excited about the concert. I should be, but it's sort of another activity that is coming up and is causing anxiety trying to plan all the other things going on around it - Questions like will we both be off work in time? Will we make it to Long Beach in time? And can I get all the birthday preparations together in time to miss a whole evening of prep while at a concert all the way in Long Beach? And what about those 2 extra tickets we have?) I don't know how I'm gonna fit all this in over the next few days, much less all the things that I need to do today on my lunch.

I just wish I didn't feel so down and so in limbo and so hmmph. I love A so much and maybe that's partly why I feel like I'm falling apart, beacause I'm finally with someone safe and strong that I can let my guard down around and instead of just my guard coming down my whole being is crumbling down fast and is probably long overdue. I wish so much that we could move in together now and that he would get his raise now and that I could take a break from work now (and possibly forever) now. That would be fabulously, scrumptious and wonderful beyond all things of greatness to come.

Please, with a cherry, and sugar on top???!!